When I read last week Matthew McConaughey is considering running for governor in his home state of Texas I thought he was going to be late for meetings because he was making such a production of getting in his Lincoln and drive anywhere. Think about all the mumbled poetry and the fit of the cufflinks before he’s even done half a mile down the road.
We imagine that his wife Camila never asks Matty to go get milk for the children’s cereal because, as we know, if he encounters an 1800 pound bull on the road, he will bring the Lincoln into the ” park ”and will stop to greet the bull’s size and stamina before announcing softly,“ Yes. I’ll take the long road. “
During this time, the AlphaBits remain dry.
I hear you: it’s just a role he plays; he’s not like that in real life. But what if he is? I’ve seen Matthew McConaughey interviewed multiple times and he shockingly resembles the vaguely distraught guy from Lincoln, pontificating over mundane topics in a weirdly captivating way …
“How does a bill become law?” How is the sky in Texas white on some days and blue the next? I do not know. Maybe you don’t know either. Maybe it’s none of us to know … except the bull.
OK, I made this up, but you weren’t quite sure at first, were you?
And what about his ramblings on returning to his roots, via Lincoln, of course.
“There are those who say you can’t go back. Yes. You can. You just have to go back to the right place. “
Camila: “Yoo hoo, it’s called the grocery store and that’s where the milk lives. It’s really not that complicated, this pretty boy.
While he’s a good actor and totally nails the “Is he stupid as a box of hair or was that super deep what he just said?” vibe, I wonder if Governor McConaughey would be, as Texas says, “all hat and no cattle”?
Voters don’t seem to think so. A recent poll showed he was 12 points ahead of current Republican Gov. Greg Abbott, who doesn’t even have an Oscar and whose campaign slogan should be “Not much to like here but at least I’m not Ted Cruz. “
No sooner had I heard of McConaughey’s governorship aspirations than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson confirmed he could run for president in 2024. Naturally, I assumed Johnson was talking about the Screen Actors Guild or Beverly Hills Kiwanis, but no. As in, Leader of the Free World, comes with a drafty house full of portraits of dead white dudes and a live band that plays your theme song as you walk into the room … that chair. No disrespect, but I’m not sure “the ability to raise one terribly high eyebrow while leaving the other as is” is a legitimate qualification for the job.
The Rock, a pretty affable wrestling champion turned action movie star, has been setting ambitious goals for himself since just a stone’s throw away, so maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. He told reporters: “I will run for president if people want to.” No, that’s not how it works. “People” will not even be vaccinated in sufficient numbers. Don’t listen to them. “People” are wearing mom jeans again because influencer Kylie Jenner said we should. Obviously, one cannot trust the “people”!
Surprisingly, 46% of Americans polled said they would consider voting for Johnson. Longtime nemesis “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has been heard to say, “What ??” about a billion times.
Interpreter: “I believe, Mr. Putin, that the president invited you to, uh, smell what the rock bakes… kind of American idiom, I guess.
“Ack. The American idiot is more like that. Also, tell him to put his shirt back on; It’s my thing.
Movie stars make great … movie stars. To put it in Lincoln lingo, you just need to stay in your lane.
Celia Rivenbark is a NYT bestselling author and comedy columnist. Visit http://celiarivenbark.com.