“Pinocchio” is only the second worst movie starring Tom Hanks as a puppeteer with a heavy European accent released in 2022.
When “Pinocchio” was released in 1940, audiences hoping to see the eponymous puppet hero interact with a pile of impeccably rendered, photorealistic horse manure would have left the theater disappointed. But 82 years and countless technological advancements later, a new remake gives Disney fans the chance to do just that. When Pinocchio first leaves Geppetto’s studio and ventures into the real world, he encounters a huge pile of dung (with CGI flies buzzing around it) and crouches down to sniff.
While the film’s straight-to-stream release will keep moviegoers from witnessing this moment on the big screen, it’s still a shot that immediately burns itself into your memory. And it’s perhaps an inadvertent metaphor for what Disney’s shameless IP regurgitation has become, as the image of the beloved character literally shoving horse shit begs an interesting question: “Who on Earth was asking that?”
Among the many sins that Robert Zemeckis’ “Pinocchio” commits, the most difficult to forgive is his total inability to establish a reason to exist. His strongest moments come while recreating the film that inspired him, but his attempts to expand on that source material lead him into some truly dire territory. If you liked the original “Pinocchio” but thought the cats weren’t mangy enough, the Chris Pine references were lacking, and Jiminy Cricket didn’t crack enough jokes about Geppetto’s inability to toss, you’ll be glad to see these wrongs. straightened out in Zemeckis’ new movie. Everyone better just rewatch the original.
The story should be familiar to even the most casual Disney fan. An old watchmaker (Tom Hanks) builds a puppet because he wants a real son, then the Blue Fairy (Cynthia Erivo) grants his wish and brings the wooden boy to life. Armed with a cricket (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) for a conscience, Pinocchio soon begins to disobey his father, staying away from his curfew to visit a puppet show that kidnaps him before eventually ending up in Pleasure. Island, a hedonistic amusement park gone awry. boys in donkeys.
Zemeckis’ remake doesn’t stray far from the original plot, offering thinner, flatter versions of many of the story’s most iconic beats. The biggest difference is the emphasis on stardom, with naughty fox Honest John (Keegan Michael Key) insisting on the importance of having lots of followers. If it wasn’t clear he was making a “those damn kids spend too much time on Instagram” schtick, he turns his fingers into a cellphone and pretends to take a selfie to drive the point home.
Casting Hanks as Geppetto is one of those creative decisions that makes perfect sense on paper, but his performance is just another addition to his recent chill streak. The actor gives what is essentially a kid-friendly version of his “Elvis” performance, playing a puppeteer with an unconvincing European accent. It’s not good, by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s also hard to blame Hanks when he’s been given so little work. The vast majority of his scenes take place alone, and much of his dialogue boils down to spitting exposition on him at his clocks and cats. Without a scene partner (or even a compelling reason to open his mouth in the first place), his character inevitably morphs into something closer to Doc from “Fraggle Rock” than the original Gepetto.
For all its flaws, “Pinocchio” has its share of Disney magic. “When You Wish Upon a Star” is still a banger, and the film wisely saturates the soundtrack with references to it. And much of the production design is excellent, especially Geppetto’s workshop. All of its vintage clocks contain references to other Disney films, and the craftsmanship of many of them is quite impressive. Joseph Gordon-Levitt does a great Jiminy Cricket, even if his antennae look a bit too cockroach-like, and the scenes of the animated cricket exploring the workshop are some of the film’s most cinematic moments.
Taken at face value, “Pinocchio” offers harmless entertainment for young children and can probably hold its own against the kind of fare that would once have been relegated to the direct-to-DVD section of the Disney store at your favorite mall. But it’s impossible to take a straight-up remake of a classic film, which clings so tightly to the original character design and story beats, at face value. Especially when the remake has already been released on a streaming service that includes the original. Zemeckis’ most important job was to give Disney+ users a reason to watch his “Pinocchio” instead of just streaming the first one, and he failed. When your competition is real, you need to bring more than CGI shit to the table.
While the original story remains undeniably excellent, “Pinocchio” fails to tell it because he ignores his own advice. Every failed attempt to modernize its beautiful post is a reminder of how badly it needed updating in the first place. A story about your peers’ superficial opinions being less important than your real character didn’t need a CGI fox mimicking a cellphone camera to feel relevant. If Disney truly believed that timeless virtue and character were more important than having a shiny new exterior, this remake would never have been made.
Rating: C
“Pinocchio” begins streaming on Disney+ on Friday, September 8.
Register: Stay up to date with the latest film and TV news! Sign up for our email newsletters here.
“Pinocchio” is only the second worst movie starring Tom Hanks as a puppeteer with a heavy European accent released in 2022.
When “Pinocchio” was released in 1940, audiences hoping to see the eponymous puppet hero interact with a pile of impeccably rendered, photorealistic horse manure would have left the theater disappointed. But 82 years and countless technological advancements later, a new remake gives Disney fans the chance to do just that. When Pinocchio first leaves Geppetto’s studio and ventures into the real world, he encounters a huge pile of dung (with CGI flies buzzing around it) and crouches down to sniff.
While the film’s straight-to-stream release will keep moviegoers from witnessing this moment on the big screen, it’s still a shot that immediately burns itself into your memory. And it’s perhaps an inadvertent metaphor for what Disney’s shameless IP regurgitation has become, as the image of the beloved character literally shoving horse shit begs an interesting question: “Who on Earth was asking that?”
Among the many sins that Robert Zemeckis’ “Pinocchio” commits, the most difficult to forgive is his total inability to establish a reason to exist. His strongest moments come while recreating the film that inspired him, but his attempts to expand on that source material lead him into some truly dire territory. If you liked the original “Pinocchio” but thought the cats weren’t mangy enough, the Chris Pine references were lacking, and Jiminy Cricket didn’t crack enough jokes about Geppetto’s inability to toss, you’ll be glad to see these wrongs. straightened out in Zemeckis’ new movie. Everyone better just rewatch the original.
The story should be familiar to even the most casual Disney fan. An old watchmaker (Tom Hanks) builds a puppet because he wants a real son, then the Blue Fairy (Cynthia Erivo) grants his wish and brings the wooden boy to life. Armed with a cricket (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) for a conscience, Pinocchio soon begins to disobey his father, staying away from his curfew to visit a puppet show that kidnaps him before eventually ending up in Pleasure. Island, a hedonistic amusement park gone awry. boys in donkeys.
Zemeckis’ remake doesn’t stray far from the original plot, offering thinner, flatter versions of many of the story’s most iconic beats. The biggest difference is the emphasis on stardom, with naughty fox Honest John (Keegan Michael Key) insisting on the importance of having lots of followers. If it wasn’t clear he was making a “those damn kids spend too much time on Instagram” schtick, he turns his fingers into a cellphone and pretends to take a selfie to drive the point home.
Casting Hanks as Geppetto is one of those creative decisions that makes perfect sense on paper, but his performance is just another addition to his recent chill streak. The actor gives what is essentially a kid-friendly version of his “Elvis” performance, playing a puppeteer with an unconvincing European accent. It’s not good, by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s also hard to blame Hanks when he’s been given so little work. The vast majority of his scenes take place alone, and much of his dialogue boils down to spitting exposition on him at his clocks and cats. Without a scene partner (or even a compelling reason to open his mouth in the first place), his character inevitably morphs into something closer to Doc from “Fraggle Rock” than the original Gepetto.
For all its flaws, “Pinocchio” has its share of Disney magic. “When You Wish Upon a Star” is still a banger, and the film wisely saturates the soundtrack with references to it. And much of the production design is excellent, especially Geppetto’s workshop. All of its vintage clocks contain references to other Disney films, and the craftsmanship of many of them is quite impressive. Joseph Gordon-Levitt does a great Jiminy Cricket, even if his antennae look a bit too cockroach-like, and the scenes of the animated cricket exploring the workshop are some of the film’s most cinematic moments.
Taken at face value, “Pinocchio” offers harmless entertainment for young children and can probably hold its own against the kind of fare that would once have been relegated to the direct-to-DVD section of the Disney store at your favorite mall. But it’s impossible to take a straight-up remake of a classic film, which clings so tightly to the original character design and story beats, at face value. Especially when the remake has already been released on a streaming service that includes the original. Zemeckis’ most important job was to give Disney+ users a reason to watch his “Pinocchio” instead of just streaming the first one, and he failed. When your competition is real, you need to bring more than CGI shit to the table.
While the original story remains undeniably excellent, “Pinocchio” fails to tell it because he ignores his own advice. Every failed attempt to modernize its beautiful post is a reminder of how badly it needed updating in the first place. A story about your peers’ superficial opinions being less important than your real character didn’t need a CGI fox mimicking a cellphone camera to feel relevant. If Disney truly believed that timeless virtue and character were more important than having a shiny new exterior, this remake would never have been made.
Rating: C
“Pinocchio” begins streaming on Disney+ on Friday, September 8.
Register: Stay up to date with the latest film and TV news! Sign up for our email newsletters here.
