He’s so weird. Just a year ago, we were both worried about the same things that all came back to financial concerns. Now I’m still worried about it, and she’s wondering how to gently let go of the decorator she decided not to hire – because she found a better one.
I’m not a materialistic person, but this weighs on me and I’m afraid it will harm our friendship. How can I not let him?
Envy: My youngest sister and her husband have built a very successful business and live very well. She and I have been close all our lives and it’s a relationship I greatly value. While you may think this is a different situation than yours because she is a sister, let me just say that our other siblings have distanced themselves from her because of her wealth.
She and I had a conversation a few years ago where we recognized the difference in our financial situations and established some guidelines so we could not build a relationship around her wealth. We are clear that I cannot afford everything she can. When she (or her husband) invites me somewhere that would be expensive, they pay and I graciously accept. I show my appreciation by having fun and being with them. If I offer to treat them, they should agree, because that’s my signal that it’s something I can afford.
Please don’t make the mistake of assuming that your friend has changed just because she is financially better off than you – unless, of course, she has changed and is flaunting her wealth. My sister is the same sweet, generous, charming person she always was. Have the courage to open this conversation and “negotiate terms.” Make your friendship about all the qualities you appreciate in each other, not about money. If she’s a friend worth keeping, she’ll appreciate that from you.
Envy: Some friendships survive major life changes, others don’t. But to be sure, I would show kindness, patience and understanding. For what? Because you seem like very good friends, quite close and have a lot in common. This is a rarity in today’s world. Good friendships deserve a second or even third try when they hit a problem.
I’ll wait a while for that. There is a chance that your friend’s enthusiasm for new wealth will stabilize: beautiful new things will become the new norm and will no longer be a topic of conversation. After a while, if the decorator tantrums don’t subside, I’ll have an open conversation about how the new dynamic doesn’t seem to meet your friendship needs. Your friend’s reaction will tell you if she’s just going through a phase or if you’re dealing with a completely new person who isn’t right for you anymore.
If this happens, think about how often friendships don’t survive geographic distances. It is therefore normal that a friendship sometimes does not survive a new financial distance.
Envy: The problem with true friendship – not superficial friendships of convenience – is that we care about the person and their well-being. The circumstances of their lives are just facades. I would wonder how she feels about her concern for the decorator? Is she afraid of hurting other people’s feelings? Does she feel uncomfortable or like an imposter in her new situation? Basically, what is the universal human feeling she experiences?
You can connect on this deeper level, and as a friend, all she needs is someone who will listen to her and not judge her. She can do the same for you. Of course, you may have a superficial friendship, and that’s okay too. If this is the case and you can’t get over the changes in his life, it may be time to end your friendship gently and gracefully. In the end, it would be kinder for both of you.
Envy: It sounds like this has already hurt your friendship, since you say you can’t relate to her anymore. It’s interesting that you think she feels the same way but don’t give any examples.
Ask yourself if you are making false and unfair assumptions about your friend. Maybe when you’re together, steer the conversation toward things you still have in common. And ask yourself if your reaction is a defense mechanism against your fear that she’s no longer interested in maintaining your friendship, and if you’re looking for ways to confirm this.
You don’t want to create fertile ground for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look for the things you have in common and enjoy them together. Like you always did.
Each week we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s episode here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a submission deadline on Monday. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
