“The first thing to realize is that everyone perceives things differently,” said Glennon Gordon, a couples therapist with offices in Tenleytown and Bethesda, Md. “I mean literally. The way I perceive something and the way you perceive something are as different as our fingerprints.The same is true of how we see our physical space.
These differences extend beyond coffee table preferences. For some people, outer space correlates to their inner, or emotional, space; the house needs to be tidy so they feel that way inside, Gordon said. For others, the two things are separate. A stack of dishes is just that; it does not imply a chaotic state of being.
The key is to never assume that your partner will be like you. “When you expect the other person to be completely different, which they probably are, it makes compromises a lot easier,” she said.
It’s also wise to consider all possible outcomes before signing a lease. “Think about the worst case scenario,” said Cheryl New, family attorney at New & Lowinger in Bethesda, Maryland. “How is it going?”
Moving in together is a serious commitment that can be painful to undo. New’s advice is to be realistic and save your receipts. “Nobody thinks they’re the type to bicker over pots and pans on a breakup,” she said. “At the end of the day, of course, almost everyone does.”
Relationships are an art, not a science, and some people simply live better together than others. But there are steps you can take to avoid some common pitfalls. We spoke to experts for advice on how to combine your assets, be a good roommate, mix styles and manage expectations while protecting yourself against a messy uncoupling, should the relationship turn south .
Do not rush. As tempting as it may be to split a lease in today’s expensive rental market, the decision should be carefully considered. “Moving in together is more than just being on the same page,” Gordon said. In his experience, it often comes down to managing conflict. “Couples must be able to handle the inevitable tensions that arise when you have to share everything: your space, your things, your time, your self. Many people assume that if they’re happy enough to move in together, they must be relatively similar. But it’s a whole new level of intimacy. It only works if people feel they can be themselves.
Discuss expectations. Before you start looking for a house or an apartment, discuss how you both prefer to live. “Be specific,” said Natalie Ron, who founded home-organization company Swoon Spaces, which offers services in New York and Los Angeles. “What does a peaceful home look like for your partner? How much are you each responsible for? These conversations should include educating each other. “Ask your partner about their parents’ relationship with money and how their childhood home was handled,” Gordon said. “Did mum do all the cooking and cleaning and dad take care of the expenses?” If so, find out how well it meets your partner’s current expectations. Know what you are signing up for.
Set a budget and track receipts. Keep a journal of the person’s items moving into the new home and those purchasing new items. Budgeting can be tricky if you have different financial situations or different ideas about how to spend money. “Some people are naturally more spontaneous, while others have to budget for everything,” Gordon said. Getting either party to change these habits is unlikely to happen, so focus instead on how you deal with variation: “If you expect differences and respect them, you have much more likely to hear from you.”
Declutter before you move. Ron recommends that all of his clients who are about to merge their households start by getting their own house in order. “Think of it as a final moment of reflection for your unique, independent self,” she said. “Go through your old clothes, letters from exes, and knick-knacks you’ve kept over the years. Do they really need to come to your new home with you? If some do, buy a few low-profile storage containers that can be tucked away in the back of a closet. “No one expects you to throw away your sentimental collectibles, but they will appreciate a sense of awareness and order,” she said.
Understand each other’s triggers. Cleanliness is the most common source of friction for Gordon’s customers. “A person can walk past a piece of trash without even seeing it,” she said. “Another person couldn’t pass by without worrying.” Be curious, not judgmental, about how your partner views their space. Likewise, if your partner has a harder time letting go of things, resist the urge to coach them. “It’s tempting to pressure someone to ‘just throw it away’, but it almost always backfires,” Ron said. “Instead, find out what’s behind their attachment, whether it’s sentimental reasons or financial habits, and try to help them prioritize, so they don’t feel pushed or rejected.”
Mix and match styles. “Even if one person is more design inclined, it’s essential that both people feel like they have a say in their space,” Gordon said. “It’s more than an ego thing; it’s also a mental health issue. It’s never good for someone to feel like a stranger in their own home – not good for the individual, and definitely not good for the relationship. If you can, resist the urge to reject a partner; the cliched solution of granting the husband a single room to make his own, usually a “man cave” or the garage, seems superficial and dated. Instead, spend time browsing Pinterest boards and design blogs together to find pieces and aesthetics that appeal to you both. “I promise: there will be common ground,” Ron said.
Give yourself a grace period. Even the most prepared and organized couple will encounter surprises once under the same roof. Gordon said many people struggle with how their partner spends their free time. “A person can cook or clean or grab the window [of time] to practice, while the other person takes a nap or stares at their phone for an hour,” Gordon said. “These variations can be shocking at first, and take some getting used to.” Try not to let these differences explode into judgmental statements about each other’s character or lobbying campaigns to get them to change their ways. Instead, respect conscious decisions about how you want to live and take turns seeing things from the other’s perspective. “Is your partner really lazy? Or are they better at relaxing than you? said Gordon.
Megan Buerger is a freelance writer in New York.
