That your friends aren’t as smart as they think they are.
Miss Manners wonders how they would react to option 1: “Oh my God, you’re talking about me! I didn’t know that upset you! I’m so, so sorry! Please accept my excuses! I’m mortified! ” repeating to you until they wince in embarrassment – or option 2: “That’s completely boring!” How can you stand such a person! Amazing!” and so on, continuing to not let on that you realize it’s you until their heads explode.
Dear Miss Manners: My father passed away several months ago and I need a polite way to ask well-meaning acquaintances to stop calling to check on me.
I have an extremely large extended family, but we are not close. As I cared for my father during his final weeks, I saw many family members I hadn’t seen in decades. Before that, our only interactions were on social media, and rarely. Since then, many have called me to “see how you are” or to “lend an ear,” hoping that I might want to reminisce or receive emotional support.
The problem is that they knew my father as a wise, respected and favorite uncle and businessman. I knew a very different man, a man who communicated loudly and with fists. As his executor, I also learned many things about his business practices that I wish I hadn’t learned. I will never divulge that I only feel relief at his passing, nor the reasons why I feel this way, because there is no point in depriving others of their precious memories. I also realize that they may have their own desires for emotional support, but I don’t think I can offer much in that regard.
I thanked the callers for their thoughtfulness and assured them that I was fine. I changed the subject, asked them how they were feeling and if they needed help, and delayed returning calls. All of this only seems to confirm their belief that “it’s not figured out yet” and that they will have to keep calling until I am ready to discuss my feelings in depth. I came to dread the phone ringing. Is there a polite way to express that I really don’t need to talk about my father’s death and that there is no need to continue to monitor me?
The company used to recognize that grief requires a period of grieving – and that sometimes the best way to cope with the loss of a friend is, when they ask to be left alone, to leave them alone.
Even if your situation is atypical, your need for privacy is not and Miss Manners recommends that you affirm this. Thank your friends and family for their support, tell them you need some time to yourself now, and most importantly, turn off the ringer.
New Miss Manners columns are published Monday to Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners on her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
