Dear Miss Manners: I am a paralegal in a medium-sized law firm, where I will soon be celebrating my 10th birthday. Over the past few years, I have been fortunate to receive very generous bonuses and increases from the firm, and have written thanks to the founding partners – two of whom are located in a different city and the third of who is the managing partner of the office where I work.
A few weeks ago, my managing partner stopped by my office with the thank you notes I had sent him and returned them to me, saying that he was cleaning his office. On the one hand, I was flattered, if not a little surprised, that he kept them, but I also thought it was a bit unusual to give them back. I have never heard of anyone returning a thank you note or, for that matter, of anyone other than a supportive parent who has kept a note for a number of years.
I know he appreciated the gesture, but I wonder if, in the future, I should continue to express my appreciation verbally or by email, without adding to the correspondence on his desk. It is obviously not something I would feel comfortable asking him.
When Miss Manners consider requests for return of correspondence, she thinks of someone who insists on the return of love letters, not on the hoarding of thank you letters. Otherwise, sending letters back is an insulting gesture.
What your managing partner did was, indeed, strange, and in your particular case, she agrees that in the future, consideration suggests that you are clogging up her electronic inbox instead of her office.
Dear Miss Manners: When would you cover your plate with your napkin? What if you don’t finish your meal and want to protect your guests from seeing it? Once you have finished?
Never?
Dear Miss Manners: As a person who strives to fulfill the obligations of a polite person, I find myself prevented from writing an appropriate letter of condolence in extremely difficult circumstances.
A young man who was in my daughter’s kindergarten to high school class recently died from a drug overdose. We do not have a personal relationship with his parents, but if I lost my child in such horrible circumstances, I hope I would find it comforting to know that others remembered him and cared enough to write.
But how to correctly formulate a letter expressing sympathy for such an unimaginable loss? I hesitate to mention my daughter’s connection to this young man for fear that he will be insensitive, but it is likely that they recognize his name, but perhaps not mine.
Mention yours the girl is only insensitive if the bereaved parents do not want you to have suffered a similar loss. Bereaved parents can be forgiven a lot, but since it is an ugly feeling, it is more generous to assume that it is not. Miss Manners hopes that a letter of condolence from your family – which includes your daughter – will be both appreciated and taken in the right spirit.
New Miss Manners columns are published Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners on her website, missmanners.com.
