The last time I spoke with my friend Lynn Shelton, March 17, a few weeks before his sudden death. She was at the same time one of my models as a director, one of my favorite interview subjects and a true friend in an industry renowned for non-authentic people.
I had asked her a favor for a book I was working on, “How I Got Out”, interviews on personal care for creative guys, and as always, Lynn was keen to contribute. She called me from the house of her romantic and creative partner, Marc Maron, and we chatted for almost two hours. As befits our friendship, she was open, unattended, unobtrusive and thoughtful as she spoke of one of the most difficult moments in her life, when she filmed her Sundance sensation “Your Sister’s Sister”.
Although she talked about turning to therapy for other situations and sleeping more, in this edited excerpt from our conversation, she did talk about what happened and how it ended up turned to meditation.
What was the most difficult or one of the most difficult periods of your adult life?
There was this period, I don’t remember when it started, but it really hit hard just before and in the middle of shooting a film. When I woke up and thought, Oh, it’s a real thing.
“Your sister’s sister” was my third feature film. And when I was filming these [first] two films, I had never been so happy in my whole life. I felt like my whole being was on fire. I was so happy. And I was surrounded by people I loved; I collaborated with them. I couldn’t wait to get back on set because I was so high up there.
[“Your Sister’s Sister” was filming] in one of the most beautiful places in the world [the San Juan Islands, in Washington]. We were able to lock down this perfect compound. We were all able to sleep and live on the same property. We walked daily to the picture house. And we had friends who cooked meals for us. It was this beautiful two week retreat, that perfect little bubble of all my favorite people. Paradise. Right?
And I was just miserable every day. I only slept about four hours a night. I would wake up in the morning and think, why are we doing this? What is the point? What’s the point? It was so sad, and no one knew I was going through this because I was so ashamed. Because I knew how privileged I was and what a great experience it had to be. And it was so mysterious. I did not understand why I was so depressed. I didn’t share it with anyone because it was so embarrassing.
How? ‘Or’ What are you dealing with issues that have been raised on set?
It took a few years. I remember hearing an article about NPR, a woman testifying about her experience with postpartum depression. She said, I’m looking at this baby and I understand objectively how I should feel. And I didn’t feel anything. That’s exactly how I felt about the film in the editing room. Are people going to care? I just couldn’t connect to the movie.
I heard that [NPR] piece, and I was like, Oh my God, I’m going through postpartum depression. I feel exactly the same. By the time we turned it into festivals, or maybe it wasn’t until the festival premiere, it finally hit me. I remember it like a fog. Oh my god, I like my movie. Thank God. Thank goodness it exists.
It was like it was hormonal. I solved my sleep problems and stuff like that. I now have friends whose lives were saved by drugs, antidepressants. But I really wanted to explore all the other options first. I just felt like I could probably handle it otherwise.
What helped you get through?
Meditation is a really important piece. I started by reading all the books I could and trying different practices. At the time, there were no applications.
But someone gave me “Catching the Big Fish” by David Lynch. I have read this book [which discusses Transcendental Meditation] and I remember saying, Oh my God, I want to. He talks about how it affects his creativity, and that also interested me a lot. I have always been interested in different states of consciousness, and I dreamed of being in this other place that he described.
After making “Laggies”, a studio film that earned her her first living wage, she tried Transcendental Meditation.
The very first time, I felt like I was on a hallucinogenic medication trip. I have become so high. It’s funny because I say high and deep at the same time, but it’s like flying deep. I don’t even know how to explain it. It was so unlike anything I had ever experienced in any other form of meditation. That was it; I was addicted.
Shelton continued to practice twice a day for 20 minutes at a time, wherever she could find a place, even in a trailer or parked car.
And what does this weather do for you?
It’s like this gigantic reset button. It’s like getting high twice a day with nothing but good side effects, no hangovers. I would say it is changing. Sometimes if I’m really stressed out and there’s a lot going on in my brain, I’m going to go through the monkey mind stuff, and I will have to gently go back to the mantra.
I am a pretty nervous person, or I was. On the first day of shooting, there are fires to put out. It can get very stressful. And then you get this reset button. You just agree, I’m ready for the next part of the day.
Do you have any idea how it responded to how you felt at the time?
The way the prisoners describe it is freedom from this horrible situation you find yourself in. And even to this day, if I have a really bad day – I still have a blue day, where I don’t even know where it comes from – when I meditate, it’s like such a relief.
Shelton went on to describe how meditation changed her.
With my first feature film, I remember that we were losing a place and that we were going to have a day less [and were also] running out of film or something. We still had two scenes to go. So I had to commit myself – it was a kind of fight or flight. My adrenaline soared, my cortisol levels soared, and I was able to remove about three-quarters of the coverage I was going to get, and figure out how to fix it.
But I could no longer return to a normal state. I couldn’t go back down. And my second A.D. [assistant director] had to take me for a walk and be like, Lynn, pull it together. You’re okay. Everything is cool. And I had to work really hard to get back to basics. Having meditated for several years now, I can do it. I can respond appropriately to this situation, but then I can reset and be OK.
[When] my depression peaked during the production and editing phase of “Your Sister’s Sister”, I developed an eating disorder. I became a compulsive eater, just out of control, what the hell is going on?
I had this idea [meditation] was going to be a magic bullet. It’s going to solve my depression, it’s going to solve my eating disorder. I will be a perfect person. Obviously, that did not happen, but it still changed life. It really helped at all levels to manage stress, toxic work situations, addictive behaviors, all kinds of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. When I go back and remember specific circumstances or experiences five years ago compared to now, it’s like, oh yes, I’m a different person
Michael Dunaway, filmmaker and editor-in-chief of Paste Magazine, is working on “How I Got Out”.