But the appeal of blind dating goes far beyond Netflix. “Married at first sight”, which links foreigners into unions they have eight weeks to decide to keep or abandon, is preparing for its 10th season. Over the past year, a New York comedy show called “UpDating” has drawn large crowds to watch two strangers escape their first date blindfolded. November saw the launch of a queer dating app called Lex, where people run text-only personal ads looking for their perfect match. And in January, a dating app entrepreneur launched S’More, where users can only see their photos after exchanging several messages.
The eyes can be the “windows of the soul,” but we clearly realize that sight alone will not lead us to our soul mates. Can removing it, very briefly, correct our overly visual superficiality?
The UpDating hosts – Brandon Berman, 25, and Harrison Forman, 28 – think their show resonates with audiences because many of them are on dating apps. “You just see a photo to decide if you like someone or not,” Forman said in a telephone interview. “On a blind date, it’s the opposite. You always judge – but it’s by the personality, the ambiance, the energy.”
The first half of “UpDating”, two daters converse with their eyes blindfolded. Then the blindfolded eyes come off and everyone can see the reaction. Will, a 30-year-old New Yorker who was on the “UpDating” scene last month, said in a telephone interview that he went to the living room to deliberately step out of his comfort zone. (He spoke on the condition that only his first name be used for confidentiality reasons.)
“If you are an attractive person in a big city with so many options, you are chosen so easily just because you are hot,” said Will. “When you just have to rely on your intelligence, you really find out if you are a fun person or not.” He found the experience a little disturbing because he was not just talking to a person, as he could be doing on a first date, he was talking on his date and an audience of around 80 people.
Will’s date, Emily Beard, 24, actually thought he was more attractive when she couldn’t see him. “I really liked him blindfolded, but once they came out, I thought,” Oh, my God, no. “”
The problem? She has a sharper look and Will’s hair was longer than usual. And we’re not talking about Jesus’ locks here. Will has a few inches of hair.
Even blindfolded, much of their conversation was about the waist. Beard is a taller woman who likes to wear heels. They never left.
The disconnect between blind and visual dating was the whole premise of “Love Is Blind”. It’s still television, so of course everyone is conventionally handsome. But what is most striking, and perhaps where the blindness has been applied even more strictly, is in terms of timing. These daters were less than 40 days old to date, got engaged, live together and then made a decision at the altar: we get married or we split up. It is not just an experiment to find out if love is blind to physical attraction, it is about whether love is blind to the way a person and a relationship unfold over time.
Even though some of these pod conversations were deep and revealing, they are only the beginning of a connection. Pod talks reminded people of the first, second and third dates using the famous “36 questions” as shortcuts to privacy. These questions, which went viral in a New York Times Modern Love column in 2015, could help forge a bond between two people. But no conversation is a perfect substitute for the privacy of time. Sure, that person you just met seems to want the same things, but can they put their needs aside to meet yours? What do they look like in a crisis? How do you manage the separation? What will you do if she has a jealous or nasty streak? How does he talk to his mother?
Dating apps have encouraged first impressions to be so strongly based on appearance that many daters never land in deeply questioned territory. Cameron Hamilton said the superficiality of dating apps was what led him to “Love Is Blind”. Before I signed up for the show, “I was making dating apps and I found myself picking the wrong people for me,” he said in a telephone interview last week. “I made quick judgments based on their appearance and I ignored their personality. So I thought it might be a chance to get to know someone on a deeper level, an emotional level, first. “
Maybe the show’s daters gave themselves more time and possibilities to connect than they would have if they had browsed the exact same pool on Tinder. But emotional connections can be as fleeting as purely physical connections.
The show’s most revealing conversations took place after the daters returned to real life. At one point, Damian Powers and Giannina Gibelli yelled at each other in separate rooms, from the kitchen to the bedroom. For her fiance, Jessica Batten, Mark Cuevas has set up a romantic spread – scattered rose petals and a good meal, the stuff of a night of intimate dating – with each of them on opposite sides of ‘a wall. Jessica noticed that the gesture was so romantic. But these two couples, who have struggled to have difficult one-on-one conversations, also happen to be the ones who were unsuccessful.
On the other side, Amber Pike waited until she was engaged to Matt Barnett to tell him about her student loan debt and her shaky work history. The late revelation reinforced how little these people knew each other. He seemed worried but not to the point of breaking their engagement. He must have seen more potential in her, in the two together, than he saw any reason to flee.
Which could actually be the most reassuring thing about this crazy experience. After all, any relationship, whether you marry after 40 days or after 4 years, will have wild cards along the way. It doesn’t matter what these twists or challenges are, but how you deal with them – and if you are both ready to tackle them together.
