He is also a real billionaire.
He can be very “generous” to all of us, who aren’t rich at all, but then he likes to throw his gifts in people’s faces saying that everyone only cares about him for his money. He also makes A BIG PROBLEM if someone doesn’t take his money, saying no one thinks of him or appreciates him asking for help. He recently found out about a great trip my fiancé and I took and acted hurt and angry that we didn’t receive financial assistance from him for the trip.
He wants to give us a large sum of money for our wedding, and keeps asking us for our new address to mail the check to because we’re not around. I’d like to ignore or refuse this gift, but my fiancé and my mom think he’s going to have a meltdown at some point, so why not make him complain about us taking the gift instead of not taking it? Is it better to keep higher ground by letting him be mad that we don’t accept his money, or is it the same for him to be mad anyway and have less of a financial burden?
Not rich niece: I’d like to point out something that I think your mom and fiancé may be seeing: you’re the one cooking up the “higher ground” here. Your uncle isn’t going to see you as taking over, and you’re not somehow winning by not cashing his check. You create a “face-to-face” situation for yourself. Look at it this way: he can write you a check that represents a nice sum of money for you and your partner, whereas compared to his net worth, it will be akin to the loose change he found under the couch.
It doesn’t make a material difference to him at all if you refuse what (to him) will look like giving you $5. But in your mind, you currently see this as: I have taken a stand! I will show him!
But in real life? You really aren’t. It’s just $5 for him.
What you box to do is to stop attaching so much meaning to something that is materially and literally meaningless to him. Accept the gift, smile widely, write a nice thank you note, and then…? Remove it from your inner dialogue forever. If he talks about it again and again the next time you see him? Smile and thank him, and then you can see inside that what he’s doing by continuing to talk about himself is about him, not you. Let go of your end of the rope, graciously accept what is rightfully yours, and move on.
Not rich niece: I had a mother-in-law who, although not a billionaire, liked to give generous gifts. Later, she would try to use her history of gifts as leverage to establish control over almost all of my choices. She even suggested that I was greedy and greedy. I finally banned all gifts from her and told her that anything she insisted on sending would go directly to my husband or my children. I wouldn’t touch it. She was very distressed to lose her means of manipulation. But for me, it was incredibly liberating.
She still sent checks for my birthday and vacations, etc. I gave them all to his son for about five years. Leaving the money on the table: it’s not worth the stress and dehumanization. Recently, I allowed him to give me some small gifts on special occasions. She never tried to use it to manipulate me again. It was a long lesson, but greed is your worst enemy in these situations. Money is only power if you give it power.
Not rich niece: I took the money.
My “gift” wasn’t a billionaire or just as much of an asshole, but not a grown-up.
Did I feel like I sold? No, because it was a gift, not the purchase of my soul or my silence. I was always me around him, as reprehensible as it was in so many ways. In fact, I respected him more for actually respecting THAT.
I considered then, and I still do, that it was a beautiful gift, and it gave me opportunities in life that I would not have had otherwise.
I know there are people who would just tell me I’m rationalizing a cowardly decision, but I sleep better at night now than before. When he died, the estate went to philanthropic causes, so at least the punishment/reward game wasn’t in play, as it so often is.
The principles are great. The same goes for not having a mortgage or student loans.
Not rich niece: My dad used to act like your uncle. He’s well off (not a billionaire), but he attaches self-esteem to his ability to provide. During his visits, I come home every day with the list of “improvements” he made to my house while I was at work. I don’t always want these things done, but it’s his way of trying to make my life better. I often joke with others that his love language is praise and worship. You won’t hear a “good job” from him no matter how hard you try, but he does express his love to others through gifts and financial help. I am often annoyed by his obsession with his greatness and his inability to provide emotional support.
I find it helpful to take a step back and remember that he is an inherently flawed human who loves me unconditionally on his own terms, not mine. Your uncle sees this gift as a way to show his love. Maybe he can’t be your emotional rock or your support, but he shows his love to you like he knows it. Consider the gift an expression of love and support from your uncle.
Each week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s episode here. New questions are usually posted on Fridays, with a Monday submission deadline. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
