Early in our marriage, he caused a huge and painful (for me) rift when he admitted his severe jealousy of anyone I had been with before him. Yes, even my first husband. I understand now that I was turned on. I felt horribly guilty and cried in therapists’ and priests’ offices. Friends told me it was crazy; how can he be jealous of a dead man? He did go to a therapist who, he says, “cured him in one visit” by telling him that if he didn’t stop, he was going to lose his wife.
We are now 27 years later. I wanted to take him on a short local trip for his birthday — a nice train ride and a stay in a nice city. As I was explaining it, I said something like, “I don’t remember how far to walk to the hotel.” » He interrupted: “Wait, have you already taken this trip?” “Well, yes, my first husband and I were successful before we got married.” It was around 1977, and it was just a getaway because we didn’t know each other well yet.
Current husband refuses to go and says he can’t believe I would suggest spending his birthday at a place I’ve been to with someone else. He said he would spend all his time thinking that I would reminisce about my romantic weekend and think about him (first husband) and enjoy all those memories. I honestly don’t even remember where we stayed or what we did. When I say this, he is incredulous: “How can you forget a special weekend in a special place?” I look back fondly on every trip I’ve taken.
Not only is this beyond belief, but it also resurrects an incredibly painful part of this marriage that I barely experienced. He is back! I’m not reacting like I did then (thanks, maturity), but I’m completely stunned and don’t know where to go from here. I feel disrespected, like I’m not being recognized for my last 27 years of “good behavior.” He also feels like I’m disrespecting his feelings by forgetting to not bring up places I’ve been with other romantic partners.
Help!: Your husband sounds like a horribly insecure person, cruel and manipulative to boot. My wife has been married and divorced twice; I lost my first wife to cancer after 35 years of marriage. If the places each of us went and the things we did with our previous partners were forbidden in our current marriage, we wouldn’t get anywhere. Especially after 27 years of marriage – much longer than your first husband – it’s a Loony Tunes thing. And frankly, the fact that you’re complaining about “not being recognized for your last 27 years of ‘good behavior'” is concerning. It’s almost as if you still view this as something you’re inflicting on your husband, just like you apparently did when you felt “horribly guilty” all those years ago when he displayed the same insecurities. You did NOTHING wrong and the problem here is 100 percent his.
If you are determined to keep this marriage together, I suggest you calmly tell him that it is obvious that this old problem never really went away, that it needs to be resolved once and for all, and that you want to seek therapy couple with him. If he agrees, go with an open mind. If he refuses, you have decisions to make.
Help!: This may not be warranted, but given your husband’s age, you may want to consider that this could be a sign of cognitive decline. Dementia often causes behavioral problems. He was apparently able to deal with his jealousy in private for 27 years. What has changed now?
Help!: I’m very secure in my 25-year marriage to my husband, but I’m not sure I’d be thrilled to vacation where he and his ex-wife served in the Peace Corps together. I think you innocently put his insecurities to the test, and he didn’t do well. He reacts to a specific situation; it is not generalized jealousy towards a dead man. I would let this one go, but I would be willing to insist that he seek therapy again if his jealous and controlling behavior persists.
Help!: The fallacy of “reductio ad absurdum” (i.e. taking a position to its logical conclusion yields an absurd result) comes to mind in a situation like this. Sometimes it is useful to point out how absurd a position is. Let’s say you and your ex-husband stayed at the Ritz in Paris 40 years ago. What is now forbidden to your current husband? The Ritz? Place Vendôme? All of Paris? France? Europe as a whole?
As you try to define the precise parameters of what is and is not allowed in your current husband’s mind, he may realize how untenable his position is.
Each week we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s article here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a submission deadline on Monday. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
