So what exactly is soft parenting? Does that mean saying no is forbidden? That there are no boundaries or that kids can go wild while we calmly guide them through their days? We asked experts, including pediatricians and an author of books on the subject, to break it down for us.
What is gentle parenting?
According to Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of “The Book of Sweet Parenting” and “The Book of Soft Discipline”.
With gentle parenting, guardians use the concept of setting boundaries and adopting a nurturing aspect.
It refers to a “parenting style that recognizes that children need both connection (warmth, responsiveness, kindness, kindness) and structure (routines, expectations, skill building),” said Andrew Garner, a pediatrician. who co-wrote the AAP policy on prevention. childhood toxic stress.
Those who practice soft parenting also consider the child’s age when determining what kind of discipline to use and how to address behavioral issues, Ockwell-Smith said. “Too often children are punished just for being children,” she said. “That is, not having the neurological maturity to behave otherwise.”
What are gentle parenting techniques?
When children get angry at their siblings, a gentle parenting technique is to help them identify their feelings (“You look angry, and I can understand why you feel that way”) and then find something they like to do, so they can calm down. . For adults, that might mean exercising or talking with a friend; kids can find comfort in drawing or building something with blocks, Garner said. It helps them normalize their emotions and identify passions that will help them get through stressful times in their lives.
“Then, when they are a famous artist, architect, or engineer one day, they can sincerely thank their siblings for helping them develop that skill,” Garner said.
Garner said soft parenting epitomizes the work of Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist who wrote a book with Oprah Winfrey called “What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.” Perry is known for his “regulate, relate, then reason” approach, which means that you first calm and soothe children (regulate), make them feel understood (relate), then spend your teaching time ( raison).
Ockwell-Smith suggests parents use the “why, how, what” method, in which a parent asks, “Why is my child doing this?” “How do they feel?” and “What do I hope to achieve from the discipline?” This will help the parents to solve the problem with their child at that time.
Does parental gentleness mean the absence of discipline?
This is a common misconception. Discipline may have a negative connotation, but it stems from the word “to teach,” Ockwell-Smith said. Discipline is about teaching children to behave, communicate and regulate their emotions, not, for example, getting angry when a child misbehaves.
“If you want to raise kind, considerate, calm, and emotionally secure children, you won’t get there by yelling at them, humiliating them, coercing them, and punishing them,” she said.
When a child needs to learn a lesson, Ockwell-Smith suggests calming them down first, because no one can learn when emotions are running high. Once the parent and child are in a better headspace, they can then calmly discuss (at the child’s developmental level) what happened and what might have triggered this behavior, so that the child can know how to avoid the situation in the future.
As for the “no” debate, she said she said that word to her kids “hundreds of times a day” when they were younger. ” Discipline [of gentle parenting] is collaborative and teaching-oriented. That doesn’t mean the kids run amok and get out of hand,” she said. “We still have borders and limits. We always say no. We will stop dangerous and hurtful behavior.
What are the benefits of gentle parenting?
For parents, it’s a breath of fresh air not to yell all the time. And when adults around children regulate their own emotions, this ability can be passed on.
Too much stress on children can also impair neurological growth. When parents create a stressful environment in the home by getting angry, they are unable to help children control their emotions, Garner said.
“If caregivers are in survival mode, then children will be in survival mode,” he said. “And the parts of the brain that process complex functions like abstract thought, working memory, creativity and socialization will be inhibited.”
Pediatrician Syeda Amna Husain says that, regardless of the parenting style, everyone around the child must all follow the same rules, otherwise the method will not have the desired effect. As with all things child development, it can be years before you know if you have succeeded in your parenting business.
“If you’re trying to raise children who are emotionally intelligent, empathetic, social, driven, self-regulating, and curious, then a parenting style that begins with regulation, capitalizes on connection, and culminates in the development of new skills is exactly what ‘it takes this doctor’s order,’ Garner said.
What are the long-term effects of gentle parenting?
Children who are exposed to gentle parenting are less likely to have anxiety or low self-confidence and are less likely to suffer from substance abuse, Ockwell-Smith said. She has also found that it is easier to parent teenagers this way, as they have learned over the years to respect and regulate their emotions. His children regularly come to him with their problems, as it was part of his parenting style from the start. When they were younger, instead of spending time alone, they discussed their behavior and how to avoid triggers in the future.
According to Garner, from a physiological perspective, toxic stress from factors such as abuse and domestic dysfunction can lead to increased levels of inflammation in a child’s body. Gentle parenting can develop “distress tolerance,” which can help children learn to adapt and deal with strong emotions, Garner said. So when children who have been raised in this style experience extreme stress in the future, they will know how to handle it in a healthy way.
“Soft parenting provides those socio-emotional buffers that turn toxic stress into tolerable, even positive stress,” Garner said.
How to practice gentle parenting?
Ockwell-Smith has written books on gentle parenting, but she’ll be the first to admit that parenting doesn’t come with a manual or “toolkit of discipline tips.”
“It’s a philosophy, or a belief system,” she says, “because it just means approaching parenthood while caring about the child’s experience at all times. It looks different for everyone.
The main path to practicing gentle parenting, she said, is to treat your child with respect while ensuring that your expectations are realistic and age-appropriate.
