Does Salma Hayek Realize She Is Turning Into An Owl?
The actress was interviewed by Ellen DeGeneres this week to promote her new movie, “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard”. But most of the chatter revolved around Kering, Hayek’s beloved birdie.
I didn’t know you could save an owl and keep it as a pet. Maybe it’s time to relive my dream of owning a peregrine falcon trained to attack Bell’s door-to-door vendors.
Then again, the rich and famous are all focused on conspicuous consumption, which includes animals that you can’t buy from PetSmart. In my street in East York, unlike Celebrityville, there are no tigers, kinkajous, donkeys, alpacas, miniature horses, pythons, wallabies and pot-bellied pigs.
If I was walking around and peeked out a neighbor’s window to see a Capuchin lying on a sofa, eating Doritos and surfing the channels, I would put my house up for sale on next morning. My kids can’t play in the backyard if there is a chance to meet a cheetah escaped from the cat corner.
Cats and dogs, fine. Lemurs and alligators, not good.
Now, I’m not questioning Hayek’s love for Kering. When one of the world’s most glamorous stars is ready to endure Strigiformes poop all over his designer furniture or maniacal laughter when Kering descends from a crystal chandelier to terrorize unsuspecting workers, that’s love. But I fear now that Mrs Hayek has lost all sense of what constitutes a healthy bond between man and animal.
The first tip came when she said her husband now refused to sleep with Kering in their bedroom. She looked like he was a baby because he didn’t want a bird of prey stalking him next to the clock radio.
Thus, Salma and Kering can only organize their sleepovers when the husband is not in town. And this is how she describes this cohabitation from dusk to dawn: “Sometimes in the middle of the night, it just lands on my head. It’s a bit shocking, but I’m a bit used to it. The worst part is when your feet come out of the sheets, and she thinks your toes are mice, and she just flies in and grabs it.
“It can be really terrifying.”
I bet. Equally terrifying is how Hayek now transforms into an owl.
I was skeptical of those studies that found humans resembled their pets and over time adopted similar behavioral tics. But look at the photo at the top of this column. With those oversized, tinted hues on one face and giant orange eyes on the other, these two are practically twins. They look alike species.
Measure the angle of their heads and the flat middle part on both. Salma has a perfect nose. Kering has a perfect beak. Their cheekbones have identical slopes. If there was a mouse tail hanging from Salma’s mouth, no one would notice. Teach Kering to speak and his opening words will be taken from the second act of “Frida”.
I am not joking. It scares me. Watch this Ellen interview and pay close attention to the way Salma’s shoulders barely move. Then count the number of times his head almost goes 360. See how his arms go up and down like wings? Why doesn’t she blink? Why is she pronouncing her h with a hoot?
Hayek was in his London rectory for the interview and, with the jet lag, it was near midnight. But it was good, she told Ellen. She didn’t mind standing. No problem. It is becoming more and more … nocturnal.
I give her six months until her husband returns from a business trip to find his wife draped in feathered boas and squatting in a compact yoga pose, perched on a railing as her toes press against the wood. I remember reading once how owls use “tricks” to appear leaner and avoid detection in their natural habitat.
I believe this is called a “posture of concealment”. And I almost fell off my chair when Hayek described his own “stuff” posting bikini photos on social media:
“I go on a diet – like a weird diet for a short period of time – right before I go on vacation. I take a lot of pictures. Once I have them in the box, I start eating again. I save the footage and start posting it, like, you know, every month, every two weeks. So people can think I’m staying like this.
I could listen to him scream like that all day. She is hilarious and charming. But there is no doubt in my mind that she also turns into an owl. At one point, she told Ellen about the moment Kering landed on Harry Styles’ head and quickly regurgitated rat fur. Maybe that’s the secret to her shiny locks.
Hayek made the incident sound totally ho-hum.
“Rat hair was on her head,” she said, as you or I might say, “Hello.”
And you know what? None of this is normal.
I love birds. But you shouldn’t have an owl flying around while you’re cooking. You shouldn’t be meditating with an owl on your head. You shouldn’t be sleeping in slippers because you’re afraid of losing your toes in a horrible mousetrap case. At a minimum, a rescue pet should not throw up on poor Harry Styles.
Salma Hayek turns into an owl and it’s time her loved ones didn’t care.