This behavior has been repeated over and over again for decades. Plus, my wife refuses to confront him, always letting me be the bad guy. I think it would help if she also told him to stop disrespecting us. Suggestions?
Confused Dad: I will say this in advance, preemptively: none of the following is a defense of “criticism.”[ing] us continually. If I answered him instead of you, then I would speak at length about his immaturity.
But I am answering you. And responding to your son’s behavior out of disrespect and seeking redress for it doesn’t work.
You are sitting on decades of proof of this. Even if she did, which she clearly won’t do, your wife is unlikely to achieve better results if she adopts your failed strategy with you.
So I urge you instead to view your son’s behavior as something he is doing to get something he needs. Stop reacting to what he says about you and listen to what it says about him.
Adopting this point of view does not imply that his need or his way of responding to it is healthy; it is not an endorsement. It is simply bringing pragmatism to a problem that justice has not solved.
So what need could these complaints and rashes fill for your son?
Without pretending to know him, what he has lived or what he feels, I can hazard a few assumptions: he feels bad about himself and wants to put this weight on a different back than his own; this dysfunction is his emotional comfort zone (ironically named); her hurt and defensiveness from your very first arguments – long ago when you were both new to the business of being a child and a parent, respectively – initiated a cycle of unsatisfactory results and need that defines your relationship to date.
It could also be a midlife version of a teenage mainstay: he has unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings that he can’t handle effectively, building up strength, so he (unintentionally) pushes others until they explode on him, making him the victim, giving him both an excuse for emotional release and a convenient person to blame.
Bottle, build up, boom, repeat.
With any of these elements, you can disrupt the cycle by acknowledging your role as the one being provoked in the argument and consciously stepping out of it.
Where you usually refute their complaints point by point, you can validate them instead in general as markers of bad feelings that he has trouble dealing with. You can decide, instead of reacting, to reflect what he says to him: “I see that you are ___”. Upset, angry, frustrated. Or: “If I hear you correctly, you ___.” And, “I’m sorry to hear that.” “Is there anything I / we can do?” Neutral, sympathetic, open-minded.
If he asks for something unreasonable, say quietly, “I love you, [son’s name]. I / we cannot / will not do this. “
You can also redirect: when you first detect an increase in crit, breathe. Then question him. . . his work. Home. Friends. Or something he might want to talk to you about.
Or, alternatively, walk away from issues that you know he won’t want to talk about with you now or never again.
Instead, offer a walk or a ball game, or cook together. Get out of the way I-want-to-admit-how-disrespectful-he-is and meet him where he feels competent, confident, strong. “Meet” can be literal or figurative, no matter what works.
Commit to the best listening you’ve ever done. Listen to what he says, verbally and not. Listen to yourself, your emotional reflexes, your hobby horses, your defenses of choice, your changes of tone.
Pause your habits of responding to him, and see if that takes you all elsewhere.
Your wife can probably identify these habits as the quiet witness to all of this. You want his support, but his ideas could offer more.
I recommend this approach not because it’s certain or even likely to work. This could, of course, be enough to relax him and offer him healthier ways to cope. . . or he might see right through you, ignore you, push back harder in frustration. What it does guarantee is a calm model of loving listening and acceptance while disengaging from the mechanics of dysfunction.
It is difficult at first and can seem foreign. But give him a chance by mentally reciting the mantra “He is in pain” – thus retraining yourself to listen to his instead of acting on your own.
