She doesn’t seem to have many close friends, so I’m hesitant to stop having anything to do with her. At the same time, I can’t stand a lot of things. Ideas?
Anonymous: It’s not your job or responsibility to “fix” Laura, to stay in a friendship you don’t want, or to save her from her own negativity or self-centeredness.
I say this straight away, because:
Since you’re reluctant to leave Laura completely, you might as well try to put your compassionate endurance to good use. Stop dropping hints and pushing for a “real conversation” and instead give him clear advice on what you prefer to discuss.
After all, this part is your job and your responsibility: managing your side of your friendships, setting your own priorities and boundaries, and communicating clearly.
So, for example: “I don’t want to be insensitive; I know things are difficult. By the way, they are – these misfortunes are, whoa. “But I’m struggling with negativity right now, and I would consider it a huge favor if we didn’t dwell on the problems. Deal?” Introduce other topics to minimize awkwardness: “Tell me what shows you watch? Are you reading any good books?” Keep returning gently – or obviously, or awkwardly – to these Laura-friendly topics You have much more latitude to do this once you have your intention clearly defined.
Or go further and suggest walks instead of lunches, or shared activities that either fuel conversation (museums, crafts, causes) or detract from it (biking, concerts). It’s not so much about “stopping it” as it is about firm, friendly redirection.
Or go even further and say, “We’ve been friends for a while. And I want to help, but I feel like I’m overwhelmed by your — very legitimate! – struggles. Have you been screened for depression? Considered therapy?
Laura might just be bad at friendships. She might also be in an emotional rut, made worse by the flight of other friends who skipped clear communication and headed straight for the exits.
As I said, this extra effort is not an obligation. But it’s a option, a generous one, to give Laura the kind of friendship you would happily maintain, complete with a user manual.
Either she accepts the offer or she will have the information she needs: to understand why you no longer invite her to lunch and what she can do to improve her situation.
Or, third possibility: she is offended enough by your frankness to end your friendship. From there, at least, each looks like an improvement over sprinting to the exit yourself.
