I’ve never heard of that. I told my mother that while I understand that the bride wants her family at her wedding, what she misses is that “family” is on both sides. And also that those older kids will not only know that they weren’t invited to the wedding, but they will also remember it, while the younger kids will never know or care.
My aunt is upset by all this. They pay for half the wedding, but now most of our family won’t be able to attend or choose not to because their children are being deliberately snubbed.
I don’t even want to attend, and neither does my brother, but we’ll probably do without our spouses, mainly for my aunt’s sake.
Have you ever heard of this and what are your tips for dealing with it? Should we say something to our cousin?
VS. : I thought I’d heard all the inclusion or exclusion tactics for a wedding guest list, but this one is new to me. I take my hat off to the happy couple.
However, I’m not as unsympathetic to their decision as you are. I don’t agree with their logic because they exclude families who are excited to be there in favor of a family who would be happy with a nap and a babysitter – but having to limit guest lists is simply a reality for most couples. Whether for reasons of cost, space or hassle – or all three – they focus on adults of your generation and above, on both sides of the family. It’s a reasonable goal, like it or not. Also, setting boundaries is their prerogative, and I respect that.
I also urge you to respect it. But not by showing up begrudgingly and single just to make your aunt happy. Call it a time of growth and introduction: accept that weddings are stressful and expensive; accept that couples are faced with impossible choices; accept that some of the choices they make under pressure may not be the best ones; accept that some sub-great choices don’t make them bad people worth alienating with reciprocal snobbery.
Think about it for a second. You took offense by asserting that “family” is everything – but counter-snubbing your cousin and his wife isn’t exactly the way to claim dominance over the family’s warm fuzzies.
So my advice for handling this is for you to be present graciously and with your partner. And Encourage your children to free themselves from any resentment. And make a calm and kind attempt to dissuade the boycotters from your side of the family. Defend the couple as follows:
· Remind them that event planning is stressful and that couples are not perfect. As far as you know, the bride did this in the first place to appease the boycotters on her side.
· Remind them that couples don’t always respond to pressure the way onlookers would like.
· Remind boycotters that they also have choices. They may be offended and blow it out of proportion, or they may assume the exclusions aren’t personal and have a little grace and introduce themselves.
Hold the family together to fight another day. Or something like that.
