I have a room set up for babies (never used). The cradle remains empty, the baby bath dry, the swing inactive and the stroller folded. I decided to put the room back to its original state just to stop seeing how empty a room full of stuff can be. Am I wrong to feel limited or am I just impatient?
– Someone call me grandma, please!
Someone call me Grandma, please! : Scheduling grandchildren’s visits is practical, generous, comforting.
I don’t know where to classify “memory planning”, though. Desperate, needy. Vaguely disturbing.
I realize that this assessment might be grossly unfair and based on nothing more than poor wording on your part. But you asked me why you’re getting kicked out, and if you’re talking to your daughters-in-law like you did to me in your letter, then I don’t see the point in giving you bromide.
What you want is to spend time with your grandkids, so here’s my best shot at getting you that time: spend time with their mothers.
In other words, step back. Not completely, of course – keep offering your love. But offer it as help for them, as opposed to emotional food for you.
The first step towards this is to have more reasonable expectations. These are first-time mothers you’re dealing with, both apparently breastfeeding their babies, and neither is your daughter. Give them a chance to get to know you, to see you with the children, to trust you as the future host of their children.
Perhaps most important, give them some respect. Breastfeeding isn’t an “excuse” for saying no to an extended visit, it’s a reason. They are little babies whose nutrition comes from mama. If mothers don’t express their milk—and why should they, if they don’t have to or don’t have to—then mother and baby are one. Offer to watch babies at home while mothers nap, take a bubble bath, or read more than one page of a book.
Once you strike the right balance – helping them with their babies instead of demanding that they offer their babies to help you – then you also get something else that is essential to your cause. You align yourself as their advocate, someone who supports, reinforces, and even enables their choices as mothers.
Right now, you’re complaining about those choices, asking them to change them, questioning their veracity — and nothing, nothing, will alienate these mothers faster than undermining them in this physically and emotionally draining time. If you get nothing else from my answer, get this: if you’re not on board, you’re left at the dock.
