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Yet I also see it as a trend: my adult stepchildren don’t do chores or help around the house when they’re with us, unless specifically requested. And that means they’ll do the dishes but only if you ask, every night and every time. They will simply expect others to clean it up unless specifically asked.
So should I start negotiating with my husband for what needs to be done – say, you’ll be picking up your own used, half-full, three-day-old Starbucks coffee cups – knowing he’ll do it for a day and then will stop and insist I ask him again each time if I want it done?
Struggling: Task sharing fails when someone skips their share. It really is that simple and hard to live with, I’m sorry. Here are two suggestions.
1. Make it clear that you consider reporting chores to him as a chore. Therefore, if he insists that you do it for him, your share of other tasks decreases. Sit there with a pen and paper, together, and write down every job that goes into running your household. Each of you choose jobs until the entire list is assigned. Again, have one of your own “point out the chores” if they’re too stubborn or oblivious to notice a full trash can.
2. Putting things on the calendar and, accordingly, on their phone as reminders. Alarms can be set for each day X at time Y with the label “take out the trash”. Set your phones during this list splitting session.
At least try this. It’s probably never going to be perfect because “door wide open” suggests attention problems, and if his problem is neurologically induced unconsciousness, then it’s not easy to change. Also not personal, if that helps.
Re: chores: Supporting Carolyn’s advice to set multiple phone alarms as daily task reminders. My husband is the same. He was recently diagnosed with executive function disorder. Once I figured out he woke up every morning with a crippling blank slate in his brain, we tried several ways to break down the to-do list before arriving at the one that didn’t overwhelm him more: alarms. telephone. In fact, he now likes to set them for the next day before he goes to sleep, as it gives him a road map of what his next day will look like. There is hope, I swear!
Anonymous: Thank you for that. Executive function deficits are often mistaken for passive aggression, when in fact they are not a choice, and they usually drive people who have them into deeper frustration than they could ever drive the rest of them. between us who are simply wondering why the trash can is still there. has not been emptied.
