I’m not sure what I’m asking for, but it’s a major change in my life. And my mother sometimes chooses her new husband over me. I guess I’m just annoyed and jealous.
— Marcie, Marcie, Marcie
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia: No, no, don’t deny yourself here. I mean, you’re annoyed – that’s fair – but don’t take it as “jealous”, as if you’re being too possessive.
You are at a stage in your life that is physically, intellectually, and emotionally charged, and the home space to which you would normally retreat to rest and recharge is also changing and requires mental effort. It’s legitimately difficult.
You absolutely deserve some rest and enough importance to your mother to get her support for what you need. So ask: “I appreciate that [stepfamily] cares about me, but it’s a major change in my life, and sometimes I just want to catch my breath. Can you help me understand how to slow things down without sending the wrong message?
· Can I tell you how much I love the signature line “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia”? You have a good sense of humor, albeit self-deprecating. Maybe the new half-siblings are just in love with you. (You always have the right to ask for space, of course.)
· Oh, Marcia! I hear you. As a teenager, I was still figuring things out and benefited from unstructured time to prepare or bounce things off Mom. But 3 to 4 to 5 times a week, a grandparent, aunt or first cousin would drop by unexpectedly. Which meant mom had to give them attention and the main living space in our house was occupied. I would wake up on Saturday mornings, wanting to tell Mom about teenage drama, or just sit vegetatively eating cereal for a few minutes – but Grandpa would be in the kitchen holding court, or deposing grandma with supplies to do a project, and maybe the whole day would revolve around what THEY wanted to do. It made me feel like I could never relax in my own home in a way that grounded me in what was happening in my world outside the house.
· This is also an adjustment for the mother. And Mom probably really wants Marcia to get along well with her new husband’s kids. Since Marcia is 16, I think she could benefit from learning to advocate for herself and might need resources other than mom. I would encourage Marcia to say things to her mom and stepdad, or directly to the stepkids, like, “I don’t hate A, B, and C. It’s been a little overwhelming going from being a an only child to that of a member of a large family. family, however. I would like X.”
