Carolyn Hax: Step-parent not on wedding guest list, per her ex’s orders

Related posts


Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Caroline: My 27-year-old daughter-in-law made it clear that I would not be welcome at her upcoming wedding. She accuses her mother of not wanting me there.

But I’ve been married to her dad for over 10 years, and although we live in different states, I’ve tried my best to be nice to her. I certainly don’t expect any role other than to watch and enjoy his happiness and his father’s pride.

How can I get over my hurt feelings and anger towards her?

Not invited: How fabulous a trip/adventure/stay could be planned for when you would have been at the wedding? Because she and that and them and all that are absolutely not worth another moment of your anguish.

It’s hard and painful, yes, and you probably have some emotional loose ends to work out with her dad about this phased relationship going forward – but, really, after everything we’ve been through lately, I just leaning hard towards the…how do I put this in a Washington Post-friendly way…”there’s no ducks left to give” family of answers. Take that as license to not worry about her or her mother’s shit for several days. Pencil in a bit of happiness. Living the dream.

Re: Marriage: What does the father have to say about his wife’s exclusion?!? Not just his mother-in-law, but his wife. Or does it not get a plus-one?

Anonymous: That’s part of what I meant by working out the emotional details with the husband. He can certainly refuse to go to the wedding on his daughter’s terms, but even with a bride taking emotional hostages like this, it’s such a tough call for a parent that only he can make it. So if he hasn’t, then a pragmatic spouse will respect the attraction he must feel to leave, and find something else to do this weekend, and cleanse any resentment in the process, so that he does not return to them. later.

There are shortcuts and haggling here, that’s for sure. But, again, at the moment, I’m inclined not to take big stances – besides standing tall to live my best life using the materials at hand.

The opinion of other readers:

· Speak directly to your daughter-in-law. Tell her you’ll respect her wishes, but you’re hurt that she doesn’t want you to share the day with her. See what happens from there and pursue the relationship based on their response.

· Can you try to take your daughter-in-law’s word that she is excluding you for her mother’s comfort? If this is the situation, it could be very difficult for a young woman who has already experienced her parents’ divorce. I understand that I feel hurt, but I would take it as a sign that she has some things to settle with her mother and I will do my best to gracefully step down.

Play the long game here, and let it go. She’ll probably love you more not to make it harder, and a wedding is just one day.

Related Posts

Next Post