From what I have seen and heard at work, the husband is cheating again. I want to tell my wife, but it’s not my place. I am p —– like hell to a husband, especially since I have championed his cause before. I feel responsible to the woman for my previous encouragement to stay and make things right.
I don’t really know what to do.
Friend: You can learn from difficult experience.
You got too involved last time. Obviously you wanted and cared deeply about this couple – but you also took a firm stand on what the woman needed based on your own experience, instead of listening to her and letting her needs and her situation will determine the best course of action for her. You had your thumb on the scales.
You recognize this now – which is good and important.
So apply it. You haven’t been forced to be in the middle here – you have no direct knowledge of the husband’s actions and no one has asked for your opinion – so stay where you are: outside of it.
If he is cheating, if the woman finds out, and if she asks you what you know, then you tell the truth – that you had your suspicions, but none were well-founded enough to speak up, and that you wouldn’t risk her marriage or anyone who has a hunch.
Things get extremely difficult if you ever gain this firsthand knowledge, because it puts two important realities – that failure to disclose information to friends about their lives makes you a liar by omission and other marriages. people are none of your business – in direct conflict.
When this happens, your only viable option is to try and anticipate what your friend would like. Like I said – so difficult. One person’s idea of friendship is to have friends who get involved, and another’s is to have friends who know not to.
But if that happens, it’s a riddle old enough to have an established set of walking steps online: 1. Tell the husband what you know and why you are mad at him for it; 2. Tell him he has [a window of time] to sort it out himself before acting for him; 3. If he fails, tell the wife to talk to her husband. Your goal is for him to be the messenger.
My favorite step: 4. I very much hope your friends don’t throw their oxen with each other on you, because you are in a very good position for that. And much easier to blame each other.
Runner-up: 5. Take a serious look at your friendship with the husband. We’re all work in progress, but if he’s doing what you think he’s doing, he’s also choosing not to progress.