This has created significant tension in the family which worsens as the children approach school age. Mom, who is very close to her grandchildren, continually tries to persuade Sister to change her mind, which only results in arguments and tears.
Mom is truly heartbroken that she can’t help her grandchildren get a better education, but she seems determined to ruin her relationship with Sister while fighting for her mission. How can I persuade mom to give up?
Anonymous: I don’t think another intervention mission is what this situation needs.
Even with such high stakes.
Even with the hearts all in the right places.
Whenever your mother invites you to give your opinion or advice, do it, of course, with as much force as possible while remaining calm: “Mom. Stop. The children need you, your love and your support more than they need the “good” school. And you put that at risk when you continue to upset Sister with your lack of respect for her choices. They have every right to use your donation as they see fit. If the gift came with conditions, then their challenge serves him right. However, you can leave this part aside.
You also get a mulligan if she never directly asks for your opinion, but you offer it anyway, just once, and just because she regularly confides in you about her self-destructive concern. Part of being well-bounded is knowing when and why to step over your lines.
“How can I persuade? : It’s not your mind, so it’s not up to you to change it.
” How can I help ? » : When prompted, you can advise respecting the autonomy of your sister and your brother-in-law.
You can also, appropriately, warn your mother about the economic third rail here that she seems oblivious to. She takes her own good intentions for granted, perhaps, and sees the blameless virtue of a good upbringing? So is he mystified that they are resisting his “mission”? So she might be blind to the subtext of the less wealthy husband/couple feeling compelled to fight the rich grandma for control of her/their own gd family, just because her mind isn’t It’s not broad enough to understand the idea that a school district with poorer people does not automatically offer the worst educational prospects.
You can also tell me that I’m far away and your mother is adorable and that’s not happening here. Fair enough. And certainly the husband-knows-best specter your sister has raised is open to interpretation; it’s just as plausible that he’s bullying your sister as he’s selflessly volunteering to take all the blame from your mother.
But what is specifically true here is secondary; for this to escalate into estrangement, your brother-in-law (and/or sister) need only perceive your mother as throwing her rightful weight. A loving viewer claiming to warn her of this, even unsolicited – once, as always – would not be out of place.
