(Nick Galifianakis / for The Washington Post)
Dear Carolyn: My daughter graduated from university last year; we are now looking at graduate programs. She returned home at the end of the summer. We have a two-story house, so we both have our “space” and share our kitchen.
She met a young man online and they get on well. After several months of meetings, I realized that he stayed with us almost every evening. Admittedly, it mainly stays down in its living space.
I told my daughter that I don’t want to live with a young man or anyone else. I said that her boyfriend could stay with us two nights a week and no more. I felt it was a generous offer. My daughter does not agree.
Neither pays for household expenses, which is not the problem for me.
Am I being unreasonable? It doesn’t matter to me whether he’s a nice guy, or that he is intrusive, I just don’t want to live with someone other than my daughter.
– Feel the pressure
Feel the pressure: “We”?
Are you both going to college?
I never want to overreact to a single choice of words. However, this little “we” seems to capture all the discomfort and uncertainty you feel about your role here.
Are you still the parent, still partly responsible for your daughter’s choices? Or are you a peer? Are you her roommate? Are you its owner?
The answer to all of these questions is to varying degrees, yes and no, which I hope is reassuring on some level – because it tells you that you are absolutely right that you have no idea where you are. current.
But this squishiness is what you are trying to build a deal with your daughter / adult mate / roommate, so it’s no wonder it doesn’t work. It’s your house, yes, but your grown up his daughter also calls him home. Are you really going to give her a set of rules as if she were a child?
Isn’t it time, instead, to ask her – and also to expect her – to take your needs into account and, in turn, modify your wish list in a few carefully chosen points?
What if she chooses not to be considerate, to give her a moving date?
Come up with this wish list carefully weighing your priorities. Also think about what you would prioritize if you were the youngest adult in this arrangement – then invite your daughter to a conversation about what each of you wants and can reasonably ask for. Understand, together, some reasonable limits, expectations and courtesies.
An adult who is said to be “two nights only” tends to get upset. An adult who is asked “how many nights would be fair?” tends to strive to be fair.
You can also drag the response from “owner” to “yes”. There is much to be said for the clarity of your roles – two adults, including a subordinate – that you both get from him, even partially.
If you don’t need money or your daughter can’t afford it, then keep the small amount and deposit it in a separate account, where it stays intact until you need it or until you will surprise her as she moves on her own.
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Receive its column in your inbox every morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
