When we discuss it, she says we should probably take turns. Even that seems really strange to me. I feel like I’m her child’s little brother, not her mother’s boyfriend.
She also claims that I started this problem because when we first met, her daughter asked if she could sit up front and I said yes. I didn’t know it would continue like this. Do you have any suggestions for getting out of this impasse?
Feeling humiliated: Saying you “have” to sit in the back sums up the problems in two words.
You are not required to receive orders from a 12 year old child.
You don’t have to rely on a partner (or a child, or anyone) to the point of disappearing.
You don’t have to let an accusation slide in the schoolyard: “You started it!” pass without yelling at you, even if it comes from an adult woman. Particularly when.
I have sympathy for what it feels like to find yourself in a hole you spent two years digging. The best time to resolve a delicate situation is at the first opportunity; once we let the first one slip by, each successive chance is significantly harder to grasp. I think we’ve all been there at least once.
Just talk. Of course, you don’t say anything mean, demeaning, or insincere to anyone, but especially not to a child—and being light but firm tends to be more effective. Also alert your girlfriend that you’re drawing the line; get their agreement to support you. (And if you can’t, run to those inviting green hills. Seriously.)
Beyond that, however, how you say it matters far less than the fact that you say it. Finally and without flinching.
“I’m going to take the front seat today. And now, adults in front and children behind. It’s my fault for letting this go on for so long.
A lack of courage in your convictions is not a good thing for partners to have in common. Especially partners who model adulthood for a 12 year old. Not only “[you] started this problem”, but also, you “should probably take turns”? Holy abdication.
Hers is more blatant since she’s the parent, but your best response to the girl was – again, in that first moment, about two years ago – “Whoa – nice try, but no.” If not the first time, then the second, third, fourth, or the one-digit number outside. Either with the full support of the child’s mother, or with serious questions about the health of all relationships involved.
Here’s a paradox worth learning, in therapy if it helps: tendencies to please don’t please anyone.
If you plan to still be in this relationship in about eight weeks, then a parenting course (try PEP, the Parent Encouragement Program) might also help.
Help you both, I mean, assuming there is a way for a non-parent to say this to a parent, which there pretty much isn’t. “Help me help me,” perhaps? However you do it, learn to put yourself in the figurative place as well.
