I try to make sure we spend time with her regularly and that the kids love her. I find it so difficult and sometimes even hurtful to be with her. I also give her the option to babysit without me, but she calls me later to express her criticism.
It’s an aspect of his personality that doesn’t seem likely to change, and one that I’ve spoken to him about several times to no effect. How can we prevent this from harming family harmony?
– I can’t accept criticism
I cannot accept the criticism: You stop listening to him. Total stop. “But then she calls me later”? Beautiful. By the time she decides to “voice her criticism,” the call is over. “Oop, mom, I have to run. Talk later” [click]while the opening fragment of his latest review sits there, unfinished and unanswered except by the silence at your end of the line.
You don’t have to stand there and take anything. Never. Not in person either. “I’ll stop you right there, Mom.” Calmly. When she attacks you, she undermines your children – so show them how to defend themselves.
You can also tell him this before you start. Let him know clearly and without rancor what is happening from now on – or not. Whatever you choose, it’s fine as long as you don’t have conversation on this subject. It’s a statement or nothing. Maybe: “Mom, I told you how I feel when you criticize so many things about me. You chose not to stop even though I respectfully asked you to. It’s your choice, but I also have choices, so if you criticize me, I will end the conversation. I’m telling you this out of courtesy. Use your own words or use mine.
She may complain about your choice but, as promised, you Won’t do engage with her on the subject.
Your intuition about anxiety seems right. It’s so sad and doomed:
Worrying so much about how someone “comes out,” as your mother seems to do, can increase people’s fears and stress… which encourages them to dwell on the problems and imperfections… which translate through expressions of concern and criticism and efforts to resolve and control. …that damage the mood and confidence of the person they are so invested in…undermining, even stunting, the very person they so want to succeed in. And also harm the parent-child or parent-grandchild relationship.
This is not only sad, but also ironic.
Hoping your “no” campaign will push her to get help. But all you can do is stop making the dysfunctional transaction.
· Is she only criticizing the parent, not the children? If there’s a chance she’ll include them in her worry and negativity, then I’d be wary of letting her care for them without someone else. My own grandmothers each saw the time they spent alone with me as an opportunity to “fix” what my parents weren’t doing “right.”
