The initial planning seemed good, but as we went along things doubled over with snow, including all sorts of things we didn’t originally want to do, like having attendants in outfits and arrangements assorted florals and a big cake and other la-di-da stuff. I said no to a minister friend of my mother who was performing the ceremony, and she got angry and rude about it.
This whole question has caused us to take a step back and rethink what we want. We decided what we wanted was an intimate and meaningful ceremony, just the two of us and our two best friends.
So we call off the wedding. I’m afraid to talk to my mother about it, because I think she’s going to take the decision as a response, after the big bullshit about the minister. How can I tell her without making it sound like she’s the main reason we’re canceling and going back to our original plans?
Snowball : All you can do is tell the truth as kindly as you can and as fully as you want. It is not in your power to govern how people will receive it.
Be loving and patient with your mom, and let that be proof that you’re not mad at her or blaming her for anything. Again, she might not receive the information that way, at least initially, and the timing won’t help her, as she’ll likely associate the explosion with the cancellation – but be consistent in your affection and let this consistency speaks for you.
It looks like you plan to exclude your parents from the new/old version of marriage. It’s your prerogative, and it’s also understandable, given how much it seems mothers have pushed to get what they want for themselves without considering your preferences and those of your fiancé.
However, if you can stay true to your vision of an “intimate and meaningful ceremony” and include the parents, consider it at least an obvious way to “tell her without making it seem like she’s the main reason for which we cancel and return to our original plans.
If you feel you can’t because experience shows you can’t trust mothers to respect your boundaries, then too bad; it is up to them, not you, to have sown such distrust in their past behavior. But you may not regret giving them a grace.
Re: Marriage: I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell your mom that the many additions to the wedding are exactly what you didn’t want in the first place!
My husband and I had a successful marriage, and it turned into a big ceremony that people liked. The other day I asked her, “How do you think our wedding is going?” and he said, “Ugh.” My feelings exactly. Do you!
