He lives far away and every time I try to talk to him on the phone I feel like he’s being watched. So every conversation ends up seeming calculated and distanced. It’s also difficult to discuss difficult topics when these conversations are very rare – once a month at most. I fear he will avoid us more if we talk about how we feel.
I know the simple answer is “talk to him”, but when communication isn’t his strong suit, what do you do?
Far: There are so many unknowns here, and it’s possible that they all have a completely innocuous explanation. He doesn’t like the phone, he feels more invested in things close to home, he likes you guys but has gone his own way so you don’t have as much in common anymore, he has a toddler and a busy restaurant and has no bandwidth left after that – each of these seems believable to me.
I can also list ways these awkward phone conversations might indicate a bigger problem: he had a more controlling experience with your mother (even close siblings can have very different realities), or his wife is controlling, or he wants you. for something. These are just a few of the many possibilities. But unless you have direct evidence to support a darker view, I suggest you assume the best, take nothing personally, be yourself, and continue to make a consistent, non-intrusive effort to keep the connection alive.
“Confront” is also overused, both the word and the concept. It’s a last resort, if that’s the case – after you’ve done the work necessary to improve a relationship overall and over time. By visiting, for example.
· Write to him! Maybe start with a fun postcard or greeting card. Don’t nag, don’t say “I miss you”; just “I saw that and thought of you”. In his busy life (new baby! new marriage? restaurant!), he may or may not find the time to return the favor, but he will know that you love him and he will see that you are not putting pressure on him .
· Having worked in the restaurant business with a father who managed it, it’s all-consuming. It doesn’t matter if you own a restaurant. In a seaside resort in summer? With a young child? Yeah. And, given that vacationers have “caught up” post-covid, I wonder if my brother has time to sleep! And, with a toddler, that might very well not be the case.
“Confronting” puts someone on the defensive and adds to stress. Maybe be curious about the brother and his life and see where it leads. Maybe go visit in the offseason. This might answer some questions.
