Context: My daughter-in-law has always been aloof and disengaged. She and a brother are separated from their mother. Our son, very much in love, was not disturbed by the lack of information about his family. He clearly loved her and they immediately started their family. We were delighted to have four grandchildren.
We adapted to this marital situation by doing daily household chores. Our daughter-in-law did “fun” things for the kids. But we were always there to provide support in the background, as a cook, housekeeper, driver, laundress, teacher, playmate, babysitter and grandparent at all times. Maybe it was wrong. All we could see was how happy our son was at first. Making her happy was her goal. We enjoyed the grandchildren and thought we would let them free from household chores. They have traveled and we have also taken family vacations.
She has grown more distant and has interacted very little with her family and friends over the past few years. Our son encouraged counseling, which she rejected, blaming him. He is in therapy and is actively involved with his children.
Now my son and daughter-in-law are furious with me because their 6 year old refuses to go to his new home. My daughter-in-law threatens to keep my grandchildren. He is still in love with her and is clearly in pain.
Despite this “event” and the conflicts it caused, I feel at peace. I feel free, not “covered” and not living a lie.
Will it cost me my grandchildren? I don’t think so, but maybe I should do something here?
Grandmother: It could cost you your grandchildren, yes, and rightly so, if you continue not to repent. Your self-satisfied betrayal has harmed a little child’s view of her parents – both of them – and therefore of herself, because seeing their parents as lovable is an integral part of how little children feel about their own. friendliness.
So you bought “peace” for you at the expense of your grandchild.
I find it horrible, and based only on the facts you gave me, I would no longer trust you to be with my children unsupervised. Unless you had unequivocally recognized me that 1. you put your own justification above their sanity, and 2. you would never do that again.
He fell)”? You can only claim it if you try to get it back.
Which means, technically, that your “peace” has come at the expense of the children, because not acknowledging your mistake means that you cannot trust those around them after being such an important part of their life – just like they have. most needed some kind of loving stability that you stood for.
Obviously, you love your son and these children and have invested countless hours of unpaid labor into their well-being. They were lucky to have you.
But that luck has run out when you let your animosity for your daughter-in-law take precedence over your loving or generous motivations. It seems to have been gradual, since you start with your first suspicion of him, then you describe doing all of these tasks as a way to help your son please him instead of the value neutral version: helping to lighten the load. shared parental burden. You seem to see it as doing her works for him, do not their works for them. Subtle, but maybe everything.
Whatever the tipping point, you have lost your balance, your perspective, your control over your tongue, and therefore your place in this family.
So, yes, you “should do something here”: Check it out. Understand it for yourself. And make it sincere and life-long fines.
Realize that you don’t have to love your daughter-in-law, and you may even be right about anything that you distrust or dislike about her. (Notice I neither condemn nor defend it.) But you cannot speak ill of even the worst parents in front of their children.
Not if you want to pretend to be a force for good in their life.
If you can’t find a way to have your peace and keep it, then your rightful place is on the outside wanting. There is simply no other way.
