I happened to see a few messages between them recently. (Nothing bad; my husband accidentally sent them to me.) I noticed he shared a few details about me with her, including a medication I take. It’s my business. Not only do I feel like a marriage deserves more privacy, but I also haven’t consented to my personal life being part of their daily conversation.
I told my husband that I didn’t want him to talk about our relationship with her, and he said that as friends they should be able to share what’s going on in their lives. Apropos of nothing, he also commented that because he’s trying to help her get engaged, I shouldn’t worry that he’s about to cheat on me.
I still think it’s an emotional thing. Am I right or am I in control?
Married: I think I have a concussion from the slap I just gave myself.
He’s “trying to help her get engaged”, blah, blah, blah. Dude. You’re all the teenagers who have listened with eagerness and fondness to a “friend” – that is, the all-consuming college crush – complaining about her boyfriend.
And you, Married, now have the unenviable task of telling him, “I am neither jealous nor threatened nor possessive. I’m not trying to control you. I just see the big mess in the road here – the one where you cross a line with someone you work with and it goes ‘boom’ – and lovingly asks you to cut the [stuff] while you still can. Especially with my fucking private medical information. Whose sharing is indefensible, and he defends himself.
If necessary: “To be clear, I am fine. We all have crushes. What I’m asking is that you stop fooling yourself on this one.
Good luck. Rear head extractions are usually successful if detected early.
Subject: Married: I’m a little uncomfortable with the assumption that he likes this girl. My male friends have often told me about their relationship issues because I am a confident person who helps them see their wife/girlfriend’s point of view. Partners are either trustworthy or they are not. I would have an honest and vulnerable conversation about the insecurity this relationship creates for you coupled with a demand for your privacy.
Uncomfortable: I agree with your experience 100% – but not that it applies here. When I got to their plot to “score a marriage proposal”, my eyeballs rolled so violently that they fell out and I had to put them back on.
Re: emotional affair: When my partner was developing a crush, I gently asked (in a quiet moment, as Carolyn always advises) how I would feel if the situation turned around and I had frequent, lengthy conversations that didn’t include my partner. , telling them my partner’s personal information, getting very involved in each other’s romantic comings and goings. My partner said he would hate it. And everything that had grown ended, because they stopped feeding it.
