My father was physically abusive and is still emotionally abusive, and he used to tickle my siblings and me so hard that the laughter turned into an inability to make sounds – tickle torture. I hated it and my boundaries were never respected.
I’m also concerned that confusion about bodily autonomy at home could lead to confusion about unwanted contact from others or possibly disrespecting someone else’s boundaries.
My husband tends to be more receptive when someone else talks to him. Unfortunately, if any request, suggestion or statement comes out of my mouth and is directed at my spouse, no matter how it is relayed, his insecurities are triggered and it is me who is being unreasonable. The defense is exhausting, and that of my wife goes far beyond this problem. He now acts like we shouldn’t brush our son’s teeth because he doesn’t like it either. Not. The. Indicate. Advice?
— Not a laughing matter
No laughing matter: Oh my. This is council level defensiveness.
His reluctance to accept you as a messenger of anything he doesn’t want to hear is also a power issue, where he sees you as a threat to him.
You are absolutely right about tickling and its implications for bodily autonomy. It’s the right battle to choose, the right hill to die on.
I won’t defend your husband’s sensibility – he behaves like a child, pouts, takes his ball and goes home. But, it does, and you want to be effective here, so you need to take that into account when choosing your words.
I suspect the 2+2 is that he feels accused of doing something inappropriate. You connect it to “unwanted contacts”. From afar, of course, in a way that connects the dots. But it’s something you can be right about while creating the appearance of insinuating something “wrong”.
You are also applying an evolved standard that departs from past standards that you have adopted in part because of your own experience.
Be sure to touch on all these points with your husband:
“I know you’re just doing what everyone else has always done. I’m not accusing you of intentional harm and I know I probably feel that way. But I have experience with this that I may not have shared enough. My dad used to do this to us and I hated it. Hated. I hated being tickled and I hated it when I said no and he ignored it. I was laughing so it sounded “fun” but it was torture. So all I’m asking is that you listen to him when he says no. Does this make more sense now than I explained? »
If you’re not making any progress and/or he sticks to a deliberately obtuse false equivalence of not brushing your teeth, then talk to a therapist – you, solo. To start at least. To follow the sons of an abusive father to an ultra-thin-skinned spouse. You are so right to protect your child, so stay there and be careful.
