It’s so entrenched that it won’t change. (I’m in my 40s.) Do you have any tips on how to come to terms with the limitations / weaknesses / flaws of people, like parents, whom we have always admired? I am so disappointed. . . and it’s cool.
I keep thinking that if I had to write a eulogy tomorrow, I would have a hard time with it.
Rethinking my family: Well, of course it’s still new. It makes sense.
But as you settle into this new awareness – and come out of your postpartum emotional struggle, which is no small feat – I suggest that you don’t go into a detailed account of your parents’ faults. in relation to the accumulated balances of your filial piety or your admiration.
Instead, I hope you will question the admiration, the [to]Party, herself.
There is a dissonance when it comes to nuclear families.
First, there is a voice of culture – that children are supposed to respect their elders, admire their parents, follow their example – even, simply, love them.
Then, however, is individuality: not everyone behaves in a way worthy of respect, emulation, love.
In fact, try this exercise when you are with a lot of people you know fairly well. Ask yourself, “What if I were her child?” Or his? What if this couple had me in my parents’ shoes? Imagine it. You will say no thanks or even flinch at some of these thoughts, unless you are at a gathering of the most beautiful people on Earth. Maybe even if you are.
And of course, you’ll find that some of these people are actually having kids – just as you think about how much you wouldn’t want to be one of them. It is an exercise that really shows how growing up in the parental home is an intensely intimate experience with “limited” and / or “imperfect” people that we cannot choose.
I suggest approaching your question about unhealthy family dynamics from this perspective – but not to erase a bad family experience as if it was inevitable or nobody’s fault, of course. Bad choices have consequences and your pain is real. But when you take a non-sentimental look at what “family” entails, what human fallibility means in this context, and the number of opportunities for things to go wrong, you can lessen the impact of your current disillusionment. .
To get additional credit, review some of your bad choices and trace how well intentions have led you there.
Another potential source of optimism: struggling with it now could help you become a better, less anxious parent. What can one of us really do? You show up, you love, you try.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been in my daughter-in-law’s life for 12 years, since she was 11 and 23. Obviously, I was never really a mother figure, but “Dani” and I have always been very good friends and will remain so after my husband died two years ago. She hasn’t always had the best relationship with her mom, but they seem to be improving lately.
Recently I received a line on an apartment jewel in a fantastic building. I went really fast to buy it because it won’t stay on the market for long. Dani is very upset that I sell the house and move to a one bedroom apartment. I told her she was welcome to crash onto my couch whenever she wanted, but she claims that I am selling “her house” under her feet. This is hardly her home as currently she and her cousin share an apartment belonging to her aunt and she still has a room in her mother’s spacious house.
Am I doing something wrong? I really don’t want to hurt Dani, but this new apartment is the right place at the right time for me.
Moving: Dani’s father deceased and you sell it home. It is just as true for Dani emotionally as it is financially true that you have the right to make this transaction.
But instead of acknowledging Dani’s emotional connection to home – and, by extension, to her late father – you speak extremely literally about the idea that she has another refuge, then why is she so upset? It is almost obtuse, although it does not appear on purpose.
Apologize to Dani. Not for selling the house, but specifically for not anticipating her emotional attachment to it, and not telling her about it with that in mind. Apologize for being so cavalier that she has a place on your couch, as if that fixes everything.
She may retain an inappropriate anger about your property itself. But it is still important to correct the part that is so painful.
