When my in-laws expressed their concerns, I paused, but then my husband said that if one of our daughters “ended up with a J” then he would feel like a failure as a father. I replied that J is kind, respectful and intelligent and that he “understands” his sister. He pays his bills and is happy. I mean, financial security is important, but this man is not destitute. What more do we want for our daughters?
He said J couldn’t be their intellectual equal and that he didn’t earn enough. My husband wouldn’t have been so black and white ten years ago. Who does he become? I am deeply upset by his judgment of J and what he considers important to our daughters.
Grrr: “Grrr”? No. Full-throated parent-bear roar.
Even though J and all J’s deserve an ironclad defense, it is the potential of your own children to be like J themselves it makes me scream.
And this time you both assume, not just your husband, that your kids are above it.
Your J in defense is fair and important. But if it stops there, then it’s a “fine until it’s one of us” defense, which could ultimately be as effective as no defense at all.
You don’t specify the ages of your children, but one or both of your daughters might choose to leave college, or go and then drop out, or, if they have already graduated, leave their “middle class” “over-educated superior.” High Performance Gene Pool Approved™ career paths support a job that only requires a high school diploma. Instead, they may choose work that is rewarding, difficult, necessary, and low-paid.
Everyone could do this And fall for his own version of J, which has all kinds of possibilities to be its own thing within your parameters: good for your kid, pays the bills, happy.
Or maybe all of them – every girl, every partner! – will choose work that is mind-numbing, easy, frivolous, low-paid and self-satisfying.
And, mirror time: would the concerns be exactly as operative if an MD-PhD man was dating an early childhood educator?
Loving the person a daughter becomes more than loving the path you envision for her is what a good parent does. Especially since there is no possibility to filter and sort the exact characteristics and professional value of a child. Fortunately.
So, is your husband ready to love, support and be proud of the children who grow up and don’t want any degree, advanced or otherwise, thank you very much? Are you?
Or maybe I should put it this way: How can you say you love your children if you are willing to fully accept them only if they achieve the success criteria consistent with their High Performance Gene Pool™?
If you actually fully accepted them if they grew up to make type J choices – how dare I suggest otherwise, etc. – then you can welcome a J. And accept your child with a J.
The logic is really that simple. No signed parchment is required.
This is the fight you choose to find out who your husband is.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with degrees. Power to all who accept them – plus a significant pay raise for life, statistically speaking. But we get them for our own reasons. It’s not so our parents can love each other.
Dear Carolyne: I’ve been dating “Dan” for over a year. From the beginning he has known that I am not interested in remarrying. I’ve been divorced for a long time, my daughter started college last fall, and my life is great just the way it is. Even though Dan joked that my house must be empty, I thought he understood how I felt.
He proposed to me on Valentine’s Day. I asked him why he thought I had changed my mind, and he cited some things I did that he considered hints at a proposal. Nothing he mentioned has anything to do with marriage.
Afterward, Dan said he was fine, but his whole behavior had changed. He seems deflated. I would like us to continue as we have been, but I wonder if he harbors resentment that would poison this relationship. What do you think?
Say no: Obviously he thought there was a flaw in your declaration of non-marriage. You thought he understood, but he had false hopes.
Now he knows there is no flaw.
He must therefore determine whether he can accept these “new” conditions (for him). Maybe he can, maybe he can’t, but it’s hard and it will take time. Give him as much as you are willing to save.
