My future husband resents this idea because he thinks it is a way of letting the external drama infect our marriage. He definitely wants children but doesn’t want to start worrying about them yet, because he thinks that infertility has corroded my sisters’ marriages.
I don’t know how to compromise with him on this, because it seems that time is of the essence here. Any suggestion?
– Compromise on a calendar
Compromise on a calendar: He “resents this idea”? He thinks you “let the outside drama infect our marriage”?
He “doesn’t want to start worrying yet”?
I’m just going to reprint your entire letter in scary quotes until I meet my word count.
To someone worried about marital corrosion, your guy seems strangely determined to do the one thing with the highest percentage of chances of corroding your new marriage.
If you are concerned about having children, you must be clear to him that forcing the embargo to talk about and try to do so could have life-changing consequences. And if, this time, in two years, you find yourself pushing 36 and not conceiving, then your marriage will generate enough white-hot resentment to read on a moonless night.
He can want what he wants, of course. People who have witnessed fertility struggles up close may be forgiven for not wanting any part of this emotional slog.
But he does not live in a small bubble proof of the reality of his own creation. You have medical information about two sisters who may be of interest to you. You are also almost 34 years old. These three data points are not about feelings, drama or marital corrosion, they are about biology – and even if yours is not a problem right now, it is not getting better while you wait.
Of course, there are other things in life than having children, and there are other ways to have children that don’t involve your fertility, and there are other family planning strategies. valid in addition Mayday, mayday, start the design maneuvers. If your fiancé agrees to take your life together at a leisurely pace and whether or not to have children, but everything is going well, then he is entitled to this approach – as long as he is honest with you, of course, so you can decide if you want to go through marriage on these terms.
But I have no idea that he has such a realistic and well thought out vision of the world here; what I see instead is someone who saw things get messy for other couples and decided to put his fingers in his ears and go NAH NAH NAH NAH as if it would remove the damage .
Maybe you already know about it, and embrace it as part of the man you chose to live with. Maybe you even agree to postponing the kids, maybe until your fertility window closes, assuming it’s still open. (In fact, if there is the slightest chance that you can bring a little that-will-be to your life, then you will probably be happier.)
But if children are at the center of what you hope your life will be, then I agree with you that compromise is not how it will happen. You cannot compromise between a reasonable concern and an insistence on being obtuse.
So present yourself clearly and sympathetically: “I understand why you are afraid of this. I would be too – but I know that time is a luxury that I don’t have. “Then explain to him that your body has deadlines, whether you like them or not, and none of you know if you miss them while you wait. Then ask him to join you on a date with an OB / GYN to discuss your options and replace the drama with facts.
If he refuses to even make this accommodation, then see what it is: resistance to a reasonable conversation on a difficult subject. Such an attitude – on more than the occasional sensitive topic – could cause your marriage more problems than the grief of infertility could ever do. Life brings what it brings; you want a partnership that helps absorb any impact, not one that amplifies it.