Fast forward over 30 years. My children are in therapy and blame my husband for their unhappy childhood and me for not doing more to prevent it. I’m also in therapy, because I never realized it was so bad, and it seems like I don’t have much contact with my daughters and son anymore. I get along well with his son, his wife and their two children, however. Mother’s Day came and went: crickets.
My kids feel like I never chose them when they were younger, but just wanted to keep the peace with my husband. Short of getting divorced, I (and my therapist) don’t know how to improve on this. But I don’t want to be alone, that’s probably why I got married so quickly.
I can’t undo what’s been done and I wish we could move forward, but I don’t know how. Please be frank with me: what would you do?
Shit if I do… I hope that I will own what I have done.
I hope I will apologize to my children for not protecting them.
I hope I’ll tell them that my fear of being alone was stronger than my parental instincts and that I didn’t have the courage to risk my own safety to ensure theirs.
I hope I’ll admit that I let them down in this most fundamental way.
I hope I will be able to tell them now, unequivocally, that I understand my failure resulted in their verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of their hastily chosen ill-chosen stepfather. That a regular regimen of “temper”, “tough”, and “screaming”, especially towards a child, is abuse. No need to knock.
I hope I would tell them that I didn’t see it clearly then, but I see it clearly now, and I won’t forget it.
I hope I would tell them that I love them and understand that they have to find their own ways to make peace with their childhood. That if keeping their distance from me is their best chance for recovery, then I accept that.
I hope I would tell them that my door and my heart are still open to them despite everything.
I hope I’ll stop portraying myself as having “no good choices” because owning our behavior and its consequences is always a good choice, even when it hurts a lot.
And I hope I’ll find a way to forgive myself.
I say “I hope” these things, because I appreciate the first person and gut-level self-protective measures our minds take when dealing with overwhelming truths about ourselves. I cannot say with certainty that I would have it within me to fully possess this truth. But I hope I will.
If you can do that, then you will have gone from being stunted by fear to being braver than most.
You say your children “blame” you – but that blame is the pattern of your redemption. They have specified the apologies they need. There is no dilemma; just give it to them in full. (Under the care of a new therapist, if you got all you can from this one.)
It may not bring your kids back, but bringing you back matters too.
