He recently told me that he feels like, especially since he moved in with me two years ago, he can no longer do what he wants when he wants. It’s true; the house often needs maintenance, I work in a laboratory and have to be on site almost every day, and I also have two dogs. That stuff gets you attached, so I suggested he take a trip without me every month or I’ll join him when I’m not at work and can arrange for dog care.
But all of this means having to plan ahead, which is “part of the problem.” I asked him if he was trying to let me know he wanted to break up, and he was really hurt and assured me he loved me and wanted to be with me.
I asked him what would make him happy, and he said he didn’t know yet; He just wanted to tell me how he feels so I would be aware of it and we could think together, but he doesn’t like any of the solutions I came up with. The conversation is unresolved and I fear his feelings will turn into resentment if we can’t find a solution. Is there an answer I’m missing?
Not free : Since marriage and children are not happening, why can’t he come and go as he pleases? Is this too much planning for him, or too little boyfriend planning for you?
You live your life as it suits you, and he lives his life as it suits him, and you enjoy each other’s occasional companionship and full-time contentment.
This is not necessarily incompatible with the responsibilities of a home and pets. It simply means they are your home (cover yourself legally) and your pets, and he contributes a mutually agreeable share of the upkeep – cash or effort.
Couples are happiest when they do what works for them, mutually, viewers will be screwed. But if non-boyfriend boyfriend isn’t your thing, then he’s not your thing – no judgment either way.
Re: Free from any attachment: Marriage, mortgages and children don’t matter here.
Unless you are extremely wealthy, EVERY adult needs to plan for something in life: food, taxes, housing, clothing, work, money, travel plans, transportation, pet care, etc. I find it very hard to believe that he was. I won’t do this before you. He was, just on his terms to get what he wanted.
I sincerely hope I’m reading this wrong, but it seems like he rejects any solution that requires him to do something in the hopes that you’ll do everything for him so he can go off and do whatever, whenever he wants it.
Anonymous: Thanks for saying that. I’ve called him Peter Pan several times and balked, because either they find mutually agreeable terms or they don’t and that will take care of the problem, regardless of what I think of each other’s maturity. But you are absolutely right to point out that he rejects all of the letter writer’s suggestions. What is mature is to exchange ideas, not to say “No”, “No”, “I don’t know!” ” while a partner does all the brainstorming work. He may be signaling that he wants to step aside – without having to own it. (Theme alert.)
