I have reestablished relationships with my adult children, but they still treat me like I’m responsible for the divorce and spend a lot more time with their mother than with me.
My daughter will be getting married next summer. I’m happy for her. Although my daughter would like me to walk her down the aisle, I was not included in the planning. I asked what their expectations were for funding the wedding, and my daughter said it would be nice if I contributed.
I also asked about the guest list and mentioned that I would find it very hurtful and embarrassing if three couples – old, longtime friends who treated me exceptionally badly – were invited and attended. I asked him not to invite them.
I learned that she had invited them. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation? I don’t think I can pay for it, go, smile and take it.
Anonymous: I could have done a lot more to help you if you had asked me before making your request for a special guest list.
I understand that you are in the niche; whether or not you were sent there fairly or not, you were completely blinded; that you are doing your best just to courageously take your ban and keep going. I hear you.
But it doesn’t matter how you got there: when you’re in the doghouse, you don’t order room service.
This is basically what you did when you tried to tell your daughter who to cross off her guest list.
Again, it might be completely unfair for people to turn on you, and your ex-wife may well have fabricated horrible things to turn everyone on you. But the fact remains that your relationship with your daughter is – pretty clear, yes? – insecure enough that it could be a bad conversation far from changing my mind about including you at all.
So now was not the time to make requests of any value to him. Your role was to decide that you could, in good conscience, play the part that your daughter asked you to play – or decide that you couldn’t. Period. No substitutions.
It’s still your role, actually. But you complicated it by making a request before you thought about how you would respond if refused. Before, your choice was either to suck and deal with who the bride put on the guest list, or to boycott at the risk of losing your daughter (again). Now your choice is to go knowing that your daughter included people that you had asked her not to do, or to boycott at the risk of losing your daughter (again). The same choice, but more difficult.
Before I go – aren’t your brothers the ones asking why the people are side by side with you?
