The problem is our combined stress. I’m nervous about the pregnancy all the time, I lose sleep, and I ask a million times a day, “Are you feeling sick?” “Are your breasts sore?” ” “Are you tired?” etc., basically making sure she still feels pregnant. It’s starting to get to him.
Of course, she’s also nervous. She experienced all the pain and physical manifestations of loss. I was just along for the horrible ride.
She believes, rightly, that I need to “be strong for both of us” this time. However, easier said than done, because every time she seems peppy, hungry, or not sore, I fear the worst will happen – again. Any advice so I can maybe at least fake some strength here?
– Not so strong in DC
Not so strong in DC: First of all, congratulations, this is happy news. You’re ready for this to take a devastating turn, I understand. But expecting bad news won’t stop bad news from happening or make it less painful if it does.
Remember this often, especially when you are about to ask your wife how she feels. “Are you feeling sick” etc. is not “doing” something “safe”. You just find out if she still feels pregnant, and that’s a very different thing. Please internalize the obvious: none of your questions have a positive effect on the pregnancy itself.
And while this may seem like torture – that is, helplessness to avoid the worst – try to see it as liberation instead. You are under no pressure to make it work. It no longer depends on you.
This allows you to focus on what you can do. You can buy and prepare healthy foods, do laundry, plan fun (like distracting) activities for you and your wife – watch movies, exhibits or games, hike local trails, see friends. You can take on home projects that aren’t baby-specific but would be helpful preparations, like building shelves and cleaning out closets.
In other words, give yourself a definitive education about what you can and cannot control, then put that education into practice. Occupy your hands and mind with things other than things beyond your control, like the minute-by-minute fluctuations in your wife’s physical state. If this proves impossible, seek outside help to relieve your anxiety and grief.
Either way, you can also engage your mind in something more positive and productive. Tell your wife privately and out loud, “Everything will be okay” – because it will be, no matter what happens with the pregnancy, as long as you take good care of each other during this period.
