I think if we live together for a year or two and if everything goes well, then it would be time to get engaged. By the way, none of us are worried about the kids – if it happens, okay, if it doesn’t, okay too.
I said we needed to find a new place, not move into either apartment. She agreed but told me she intended to buy a house. She says I can have a “contribution” on the place, but made this decision without consulting me.
Also, it will be 100% his house, so I would live there and contribute, but I wouldn’t own it. Am I right in saying that’s a sign that she doesn’t believe we’ll ever get married? Why would she do this if she completely agreed with my timeline?
Anonymous: Because she doesn’t want her financial life to be put on hold while she figures out her love life. Good for her.
There’s nothing wrong with your timing, per se; you have to be true to yourself and you are transparent.
But between your statements that she doesn’t have to “believe in us” or be “all right”, you give a lot of explanation about not being ready to marry her and taking a year or years of progressive steps to find out if you are .
In other words, You don’t even “believe in us” yet. It’s a “none of you believe in us” sandwich.
Again, there is nothing wrong with not being sure. You and she can take as much internship time as you are willing to give each other.
What you can’t do is have it both ways. You can’t have your doubts carefully managed and oppose his as well. You’re not ready for a “we” until you can live with other people’s feelings as equally valid.
I hope she consults with a lawyer about this housing arrangement, and that you accept her (generous) offer to provide “contributions” on the house, assuming you can leave your hurt feelings behind.
But beyond that, the way it plays out makes sense – to me – for two adults who take things slow but don’t expect time to stand still while they do it.
Dear Caroline: My spouse and I are friends with a woman with whom we share a lot in common, while her husband has different interests. We have tried to socialize with them as a couple, but he is rarely available and seems to prefer socializing with his family or his own friends. We often include the woman in social gatherings, but they never reciprocate.
It makes us feel like second-class friends. We see the woman a lot and she’s a good friend, but she seems unaware of how hurtful it is. It doesn’t seem like talking to him directly will be a game changer — should we let a little more distance form and expand more to other friends we can have more reciprocity with?
Second class friends: Sure, if that’s what you want. But forgive me if I disagree with the whole premise of your question.
Your layout is Perfect.
Well, being close to the husband, too, would be perfect-perfect. But since you’re not, consider yourself a happy exception. The question with couples like this is usually, “We like half 1 of the couple, but half 2, not so much – can we invite only half 1?”
This couple fixed it for you! You click with half a couple, not all, and they’re okay with you making plans with her.
It’s not great if reciprocity between all the T’s is your thing, okay. If not, please at least consider the benefits for a couple that not only doesn’t insist on being a forfeit, but also saves you the trouble of figuring out how to ask. It’s the friend that counts, not the transaction.
Dear Caroline: I recently got engaged. Try to throw a party.
My future sister-in-law found out she was pregnant and her parents arranged a wedding for her last weekend. My fiancé asked his mom if she was planning a baby shower? I didn’t know when. A few days later, I said it was the same day we had chosen for my birthday. Also told us we couldn’t have two parties back to back. Also told us that we couldn’t plan a party near the baby’s due date, or summer, because that’s when the christening takes place. What do I do? I am so angry.
Engaged: Sit down with your fiancé and a calendar and (try to) make thoughtful but reasonable plans. Find out, now, if he answers to himself or to his mother.
Intel as it is worth more than any single party date, especially before “I do”.
