— Stressed out in California
Stressed out in California: Presumably these hit cruisers were so talented they taught themselves in high school?
And how respectful is it of your father to call your career a “waste”?
No matter. My argument about your value to yourself is as far from relevant as you argued about your value to dad. Your job is your business, not his. While it’s certainly nice to bask in parental approval, a functioning adult certainly also knows that it’s not necessary.
So stop giving it traction. Ask him, once, to please respect your choice and stop pressuring you. For any other interference, it’s “Appreciate the concern”, change the subject (or, for cruise trivia, “How nice of these people”, change the subject). Dad loses more than you, in the end, because of his refusal to see who you are.
Dear Caroline: I have a friend who is always very generous. Every time we go out he gives the waiter the credit card well in advance so I have no luck. Even when I have my friends with me, he pays for everything. I don’t want to look like I’m taking advantage of it, so I don’t invite her as often. I buy him a gift as a thank you, but I feel like his generosity outweighs what I get for him. What is the best way to return his generosity?
Too good to be true: Someone who goes out of their way to pick up every check invites people to take advantage of it.
Not that you should, of course; you are right to reply. However, it is not a question of protecting him from the abuse of his generosity. It is his responsibility.
Your common duty is to keep the friendship from becoming so unbalanced that you feel infantilized. If your donations are not enough, in your opinion, then make it clear that it is a matter of dignity for you to be able to pay. Think about it: your current strategy for acknowledging generosity is to avoid it. That alone suggests something is wrong.
Dear Caroline: My boyfriend and I are the same size. He thinks he’s short and doesn’t like me wearing heels that make me even shorter. He doesn’t say it exactly, but he sulks if I try to wear them. Is it really my job to make sure he’s always happy, or is it okay to be a “heel” once in a while?
M.: Whether you’re wearing flats when you’d prefer heels or wearing heels when you’d prefer a non-pout date, dating someone immature will always cost you something. As always, it’s a matter of deciding if its other qualities are worth that particular price.
