Hi, Carolyn: I am the youngest of three adult children. Our father died a few years ago and our mother lives in a retirement home. We all live in different places, one on the opposite coast.
A few years ago, the elder and his wife decided, for reasons unknown to us, that we were no longer welcome at home. There was no fight, no argument to rush this to my knowledge, and they only hosted one rally there, so they weren’t supposed to host everything either. Most of us get along well – except that we are simply not allowed to come to their home. The wife’s brother is welcome at any time. Our other brother is also not welcome among the elderly.
Our house is still open to them, of course, and they visit a few times a year.
I got angry and asked why it was, just to get a mumbled answer that the house was not presentable and how I didn’t understand what it was going through. Of course I do not understand – he will not explain.
I realize that there is not much I can do because they can choose who comes or not. I just don’t understand it and I’m tired of trying to make sense of it. I would understand if we did not have a good relationship, or if we were drug addicts or thieves, or if we expected them to offer their house for all events, but this is simply not the case .
It is time for me to overcome this, but how? I am really hurt and I struggle with that.
– hurt
Hurt: It’s like walking through the basement, looking for something over and over, driving you crazy with it – and completely forgetting to look in the attic.
You are so sure that exclusion concerns you! Is it not more likely that, given the facts you have presented here, the exclusion affects them?
As in, maybe they are. . . hoarders? Or the woman now controls and welcomes only her family. Or they are poly and don’t want you to know, and the third partner lives with them. Or they have something in their house that they don’t want you to see – say, a legacy that they are not supposed to have. Maybe they run a basic business in their garage. Maybe they left their animals pooping on the rugs.
Maybe the woman’s brother is always welcome because he is accumulating / already knows / works in the business / learned his pet care skills at the same place as the woman.
These are just a few random examples, but the biggest point is, don’t assume it’s about you, then go straight to the feeling of rejection (and right after they continue to visit you).
Instead, check out the “attic” and its multitude of stacked and stacked reasons that a person could describe their home as “not presentable”, from the mundane to the bizarre.
Then recognize that this couple – not you – is the only common denominator for all these reasons. No matter what it is, he is pass by there.
Then let yourself go, unless and until you receive reliable information that puts you back.
So appreciate – please – that you get along with everyone, especially during a phase known to force families, some until they break up.
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Receive its column in your inbox every morning at wapo.st/haxpost.