There are LOTS of people to be there for six days in a row. I’ve only met them via Zoom, and my boyfriend is a very loyal friend – and can put friendship before me. Also, hen parties make me want to die, and I think it will be the same.
My boyfriend gave me a lot of options, like spending time alone, arriving late, etc.
But I don’t want to be the girlfriend who isn’t there. And those things seem mostly manageable. How can I begin to untangle the root of what is really bothering me?
Tears: I don’t know, but I can guess: big groups of people aren’t your thing, but your boyfriend’s are, so you want to fit in. You want to be the person who can…be his person.
If that’s accurate, then I strongly encourage you to take ownership of who you are and say, “Have fun, Shmoopie,” and walk away from it all. It can just tell people that you don’t like large crowds like it’s normal, because it is.
Either your relationship will survive this or it won’t, and it will be good for your long-term happiness either way.
If I misinterpreted the situation and you’re good with crowds but you’re not feeling well this crowd, so I’d advise planning an early outing from the lake house – after a night or two, maybe – so you can participate in a limited way that allows you to wade through its college crowd without overwhelming your social resources . It’s a lot.
Last thing, for what it’s worth: a lot of inexplicable tears I’ve seen turned out to be the first breakthrough of I-Know-This-Relationship-Isn’t-Working-But-I-Don’t-Want- this-to-be-true distress. Sometimes unexplained distress is just an overflow of feelings that need a way out.
Re: Friends of Friends: I think the clue is that the boyfriend sometimes puts his friends before the writer. I think this could be the dawn of the realization that the relationship is not the boyfriend’s first priority.
Anonymous: First degree, maybe. But a couple can enjoy socializing in a large group while still staying close and putting each other first.
They just need to embrace their whole Venn diagram: enjoying the times when they are alone, alone together, and alone or together among a group of friends. Otherwise it won’t work.
· I can’t tell you how much my life has improved since I accepted that while I want to be able to, I can’t party at the same level as my friends. My husband understands this and has started letting me know when it’s important to him that I spend time with his friends/family, otherwise I tend to withdraw. If your boyfriend gives you a chance, take it!
· Embrace being someone who has their own preferences for how they spend their time. Neither your boyfriend nor any of the other guests need your presence.
