S.: I know your “if it helps” is intended to help me answer your question. However, these discussions about love and the future seem particularly useless to you.
Indeed, when you and he look into each other’s eyes and see white picket fences, it is natural that you begin to mentally write a fairy tale about the two of you. Then, when he says things like, “Maybe we shouldn’t be together,” you don’t think, “Hmm, maybe not.” Or: “Was this fight worth fighting?” Or: “Was I right, what about him? Instead, your mind jumps straight to this fairy tale – oh no! – and your main objective becomes: “Save this fence!” »
I don’t feel any particular resentment towards the princess myths of my childhood, I swear, but “dreams” are way overrated. Ideas ? Great. Plans? Necessary. Inspiration? Bring it. Imagination? Of course, as long as you know you’re making things up, reality will eventually have its say.
But dreams, I don’t know. They seem to have cultural carte blanche, when in many cases they are just imaginations disconnected from reality. Exhibit A: The wedding-industrial complex.
You, S., probably feel insecure because you’re daydreaming about where you want this relationship to go, when in fact there’s a lot of reality clearing your throat to be heard. You hope. He doubts. You both fight. His divorce escalates.
Please just erase everything you have been imagining and force yourself to think clearly about what is happening.
More precisely: do you manage, in most cases, without much effort? Do you like it as is? If you weren’t physically attracted to each other, would you choose each other as friends? Do you speak easily? Are you also looking for yourself? Can you achieve your usual highs and lows without fear of scaring him?
And no common sense list is complete without these items: Are you strong enough to tell him out loud, “If you don’t think we should be together, then why don’t you break up with me?” » Not a soap opera, just a concrete fact. And if this relationship ends, can you imagine crying it out and then moving on?
The first set of questions is about how you get along with him. The second is how you get along with yourself. Unless you get yes votes from both sides, the white picket fence is a trap.
Meanwhile, those raw feelings from his ongoing divorce are already telling you to slow down, calm down, pace yourself, and think. Now I say it too.
