The message brought back memories of my bad behavior. A type of behavior and lifestyle that I abandoned over 30 years ago. I’m ashamed of who I was. And yes, my wife knows my past.
I have a strong desire to apologize to my ex-wife for what I did. I don’t really know if we’ll communicate more beyond what happened. So, should I apologize or give up?
I grew up: Why don’t you tell him you’re sorry?
Her condolence note suggests she’s forgiven you a long time ago, and these “to make or not to apologize” situations can be deceptively difficult. But yours seems simple: she reached out to you so you wouldn’t catch her off guard after three decades of nowhere. And you seem to want to make her feel better, not give in to anything. And you were both the main players involved, so there’s no need to explain why you’re apologizing before you apologize, which can be problematic when it comes to digging up old wrongs.
So: “I’m ashamed of what I was and I’m sorry for mistreating you”? Yes. Even if you have reason to believe that she already knows, that she already knows she’s not to blame, it’s still a kindness to help clear up any doubt.
Dear Carolyne: I didn’t bond with my boyfriend’s kids like I hoped. I have social anxiety that made it difficult to talk to them at first, and now we just have nothing in common. They’re obsessed with hunting and fishing and I’m an animal rights vegan, so I can’t even pretend to be interested. But I try to plan fun outings, I go to their events, I’m 100% on their side when their dad is unnecessarily mad at them, etc. But they could take me or leave me. Maybe I should just be happy that they don’t hate me, but is there anything else I can do?
Anonymous: Actually, it doesn’t sound so bad: you’re a caring presence in their lives even if you’re not close to them. This is arguably more difficult, as it depends on your commitment to your role within their family and to them as people, versus social comfort or shared interests. The faithful also have a lot to teach us.
You also already do a lot of things. I think the “something else” you are looking for is simply your continued respectful presence, plus time, minus hopes. Connections may form organically – or not, but it’s always better than pushing for it to be so.
