Normally I let her know when I come to town and see if she can/wants to get together – my ex and I live very far away but I travel regularly to see my parents who live within a manageable distance, and my ex doesn’t normally travel this way. I always drove all the way (two hours each way, a full circle around the suburbs) – her health really doesn’t allow it now, but even when she COULD drive she visited us twice in 15 years of marriage and never met my parents. Can I just…not do this anymore? How do I reconcile “I might regret neglecting a sick lonely person” and “But she makes it so difficult and I’m tired and she’s not even my family”?
Anonymous: You don’t have a responsibility to a former brother-in-law, but you do have a responsibility to your children, so try to frame it in this direction: Is their grandmother a positive or negative presence in their lives? Does visiting her improve their relationship with her? Do they want to spend time with her? Can they do it themselves (are they old/responsible enough to make the two hour trip when you visit your own parents)?
As for the potential regret you might feel, our lives are filled with choices, decisions, things we can do, could have done – because we can’t do everything or be everything. Weigh the magnitude of this regret against the burden of effort and feelings of resentment. Give yourself permission to value your own time, your own emotions and see where the balance lies.
Anonymous: You have permission. But you can also compromise here. Consider visiting whenever you come to town or only if your schedule allows. If you’re still feeling guilty, ask yourself if there are other, less travel-intensive ways to keep Grandma in touch with her grandkids, like photo-sharing frames and video calls. The best part is that your kids may be even better at operating the technology than you are, giving you a break from the responsibility of staying connected.
Anonymous: Since she can’t travel, before ending the visits, ask the ex-husband to take responsibility for the visits. Explain that you’ve made the effort over the years for the benefit of both the ex-MIL and the post-divorce kids, but think that since enough time and healing has happened for the kids, and that his mother is less mobile, it is time for him to take charge of coordinating the visits between his mother and the children.
It is not unreasonable to ask the ex-husband to manage the relationship between his mother and his children.
Explain that you did not want to end these visits abruptly out of concern for the mental well-being of ex-servicemen. So you allow him to step in to make a smooth transition. Then you should both tell his mother that he will take care of future visits.
Anonymous: I would say it depends on what your kids get out of the visits. It’s really about them and their relationship with their grandmother, not about her or you or your ex. You don’t mention at all what they think of these visits, which I find odd. If they like her and want a relationship with her to continue, you should continue to make the effort to visit her. If the relationship isn’t working for them, then I would say you can quit. But I’ll talk to them first if you’re not sure. Not asking them the same way you asked Carolyn, but a much more general conversation about how they feel about their grandmother and her visit. Don’t trust them with the decision, just be clear about what they get out of these visits.
Each week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read the latest episode here. New questions are usually posted on Fridays, with a Monday submission deadline. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
