I’ve tried to get him to understand the concept of choosing your battles, but he continues to micromanage things every day until I explode after several weeks, and we end up arguing! I don’t think he’s a total control freak, because he doesn’t try to stop me from doing things like driving into town to meet a friend for lunch (we live in the country) or occasionally attending parties. activities that only interest me. However, he often micromanages me after the fact by berating me about the price of gas or how I parked the car in the garage when I got home.
Today’s micromanagement episode inspired me to write. He’s responsible for the laundry, and once again he complained that I threw a sweatshirt in the hamper just one day after I finished washing his laundry. He complains about the cost of electricity, water and detergent, but above all that it is annoying not to be able to enjoy an empty laundry basket for at least a week. I wear my clothes a few times before I want to wash them, but if I stain something I don’t feel comfortable wearing it again and I feel dirty or look like a pig! These small but daily digs wear down my self-esteem and self-esteem.
How can I get him to stop picking on me by micromanaging me and our lives without it ending in an argument?
Micromanaged Wife: It doesn’t sound like your husband is trying to control You but rather control the way things are done. This is an important distinction because the former is a sign of something serious and deeply concerning, and is intended to strip you of your independence. Your husband has a very particular way of doing things and he thinks you should do things his way too. He doesn’t treat you as an equal partner; he infantilizes you.
It seems like this isn’t a new behavior, but addressing it always ends in an argument. This may be because you are bottling up your feelings until they are forced to be released. You want to be proactive, not reactive, when discussing this topic. This means approaching the conversation when you feel calm enough to do so.
Your husband may be controlling at home because something else in his life seems out of his control or is causing anxiety. Maybe he’s really concerned about the big things — like money — and assumes you’re not. If there is an obsession with cleanliness or order, this may indicate a deeper mental health issue that requires professional help. Or it could be that your husband genuinely thinks he is helping you. Regardless, his behavior is neither kind nor respectful.
When your husband micromanages you, you can respond with curiosity. It might sound like this: “I want to understand why this bothers you so much. Can you explain it to me? This allows him to shed light on what he may be experiencing internally, or why he is worried about certain behaviors. This also minimizes the chances of your husband becoming defensive. Hearing their side of things may also encourage you to compromise. You decide what you are willing (and not willing) to do to relieve his anxiety while remaining true to what you expect of him. It might sound like this: “I’m glad we have a designated place for our shoes. In return, I’d like us to agree that when it’s my turn to cook dinner, I can do it however I want.
How does your husband’s micromanagement affect the way you show up in the relationship? Are you walking on eggshells around him? Or do you find that you are more emotionally disconnected because of his comments? You want to use “I” language to explicitly share how your husband’s behavior affects you. It might sound like, “I love you, but every time you criticize my behavior, I feel put down and underestimated. »
Also think about what you want from him, which isn’t just “stop micromanaging me.” For example, do you need to be appreciated more for what you contribute? Would you like him to ask you more about how your day went with friends rather than just repeating you about the gas or how you parked? Getting Clarity About Who You Are not getting can help you approach your husband with tangible feedback about your needs in order to deepen the conversation and your relationship.
Ultimately, your husband needs to be willing to receive feedback, engage meaningfully in this conversation, and take responsibility for his role in all of this. If he doesn’t, you need to decide how – and if – you can take care of yourself and your mental health while being in this relationship.
