Also, I’m overwhelmed as is and not looking to take on more work on his behalf, so is there something deeper that I/we should consider as a downside that our children have absolutely no exposure or connection with Persian culture?
My in-laws live too far away to be a regular source, and they’re focused on not missing major American cultural holidays with the grandkids (Thanksgiving, Christmas) and wouldn’t want to move their visits to New Year’s Eve. an Persian or something similar anyway.
Wondering: I think the mix of cultures is beautiful. I myself married someone of another ethnicity and we discussed the importance of exposing our future children to my Indian culture at home. However, I agree that it would be strange for my husband to do this if I wasn’t interested.
It’s worth asking your husband why passing on this part of his identity and culture to his children isn’t. feel precious to him. Unless you dig deeper with him, you won’t know why he seems indifferent. Also ask yourself why it is important to you, so that you can communicate it to your husband. Worried your kids have questions you can’t answer? Are you worried that they will feel less whole if you don’t expose them to this part of their cultural identity?
I wonder how your husband was raised to have – or not have – a relationship to his ethnic identity. Is he passing white or does he have an anglicized name or does he speak without an accent? These are things that can make him feel more integrated into American and Western systems. Alternatively, I wonder if he has had any negative experiences related to his identity: has he been bullied for being Persian or is he struggling with his own stories that might lead him to want to protect your children from the same experiences?
Each person who identifies as multicultural acquires the host culture – and its societal norms, values and expectations – to varying degrees. Some people may resist this and find pockets of cultural community to resist assimilation while others may reject their original cultures to survive in the new country/culture.
By not passing on your husband’s ethnic culture, you can choose how your children identify culturally until they are old enough to explore it on their own. Your children may not be the wiser unless they meet other Persians or have experiences that force them to confront their cultural identity more closely.
Most immigrant parents living in the West, like your husband, are on their own journey of identity development, alongside their children. Even if your husband doesn’t explicitly pass on Persian traditions, I wonder if he shares cultural values more implicitly. This may be due to how he parented and partnered with you, including expectations within the family, communication style, and upholding of collectivist values.
There are ways to strengthen your children’s bond with their Persian culture that doesn’t add a lot of work or pressure for you or your husband. For example, if learning how to cook Persian food feels overwhelming, maybe it’s ordering from a local Persian restaurant on Nowruz; or keep Persian desserts/sweets in the house. Maybe you listen to Persian music when you’re in the car or, if you have a relationship with your in-laws, maybe you ask them to incorporate Persian traditions, language or food into your Christmas and Thanksgiving holiday gatherings – no matter how small.
Traditions are allowed to evolve based on who upholds them, and as a parent of half-Persian children, you can also explore what it means to embrace this culture to honor your children’s identity.
It’s never too late for people to reconnect with their cultures, so you shouldn’t feel any sense of urgency as a single parent to consider this. Your children will internalize how important things are to you and your husband, but regardless of culture, instilling good values, creating a healthy home environment, and being curious and responsive parents are most important.
Need advice on mental health, work or relationships? Ask Sahaj Kaur Kohli.
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