Ask Sahaj: I caught my boyfriend cheating. Should I stay with him?

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Dear Sahaj: I’ve been dating for a year, and we agreed to be exclusive in our relationship pretty early on. Recently, I found out that he had been dating another woman, with me, for three months. Although he seems sincerely sorry for hurting me, and immediately broke up with the other woman, I find it hard to trust him and get over what seems like a terrible violation. No matter what he says, it still happened, and I’m angry and humiliated. Should I give him another chance?

Upset: Of course, you feel betrayed: you made a deal, which included the mutual expectation not to date other people, and he broke it. Just because he wants a second chance doesn’t mean he’s entitled to one. It’s your prerogative to end the relationship and decide that you don’t want to forgive him.

Think about Why you want to be with a person who cheated on you, and how you can realistically – if at all – move forward from that. Giving it another chance requires trust, and trust is a leap of faith. Being this vulnerable is unlikely if you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner.

Does your partner take responsibility for what he has done and the pain he has caused you? True apologies are more than just being sorry. It is about repair. How does he work to fix what he broke in the relationship? Are there other ways he cheated on you? If so, it could be a sign of a bigger problem that may be irreparable.

How you discovered the other woman is also important. You say he looks sorry for hurting you, but does he really regret getting caught? If he’s defensive or refuses to accept responsibility for his behavior, it could mean a lack of care or consideration for how he hurt you. It doesn’t bode well for things to ever be different.

How has this betrayal changed your behavior with your partner? For example, do you do things that are rooted in a lack of confidence, like trying to catch him lying or wanting to go through his phone? Just like cracked glass, broken trust in a relationship can be repaired or it may slowly spread and eventually collapse.

If you feel like conversations with him are going in circles and the wound is getting worse, it could be a sign that you need some relationship counseling or that you need to break up. You have to be honest with yourself because you TO DO deserve to have confidence in your relationship.

Dear Sahaj: How can I reconcile that my ambition for my career means giving up my personal life? In an effort to achieve my career goals, I am currently accepting temporary jobs that will pay off in the long run for my ultimate career goals. This means, however, not staying too long in one place, which makes a stable relationship almost impossible.

Climb the ladder : There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious, but you wouldn’t ask this question if you didn’t feel internal conflict about your choice. When we want to reconcile two things, it often means that they do not currently coexist in harmony.

Focusing on your values ​​is even more important than having goals. What is important to you and how do your choices, behaviors and life reflect them? If you’re not sure, think about when you’re most satisfied. Maybe you’ll realize that your career is more important than friendship or love right now, and that’s okay. Values ​​can shift, but as you gain clarity, you also gain a better understanding of what’s important to you and what you’re not willing to sacrifice.

However, if you find you’re missing something, be creative about how to nurture what’s important to you. It may feel like finding time to talk or see friends, or take care of yourself, or even hang out. I believe you can prioritize your career while having a personal life; you just have to decide to make the time for it.

The delusion that when we reach a goal, we will eventually reach happiness is called the fallacy of arrival. If I’ve learned anything in my job, it’s that most of us hope that if we do one thing, the next one will fall into place. For some goals, like climbing the corporate ladder or dating before marriage, that makes sense. However, life doesn’t always run like a train on a track. Sometimes life experiences happen in tandem.

Have a question for Sahad? Ask him here.

I’m not suggesting that you stop working towards your goals, I just don’t want you to wake up one day and wish you had taken more time earlier for other things. I worry that your goals will distract you from other aspects of your life that are equally important, such as relationships, community, and balance.

Ask yourself: how long am I willing to do this? What is the ultimate goal? It’s up to you to determine what you’re willing to compromise on and for how long. We make time for the things we really want. If you’re not making this time, ask yourself if you’re making excuses and if you need to change.

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