I feel like I’m mourning the death of a friendship and I hate it. I don’t know what else to do to try to figure out what’s going on with her and how to get back to who we were before. There were times when I really needed her and she just ignored me. I started to withdraw as she obviously doesn’t want to talk to me and let me know what’s going on or what I’ve done so we can try to work things out.
I ask your advice before giving up completely. I would hate to give up a 20 year old friendship when I don’t even know why.
— Mourning a Friendship
Grieving a Friendship: Ugh. Breakups between grieving friends are among the least discussed (but equally agonizing) bereavements of all. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share the whirlwind of unpleasant emotions you’re stuck in – more of us have been there than we’d like to admit. It hurts. It’s disorienting. And you don’t deserve to be left in limbo by someone you’ve befriended for two decades.
Old friends can be like a house you haven’t updated in a while. A house built on loyalty, the sharing of experience, sentimentality and, too often, the legend of what was. As life progresses and things change, there is something comforting about the familiarity and stability this old home offers. Not to mention the older version of you he represents. It’s easy to romanticize the best parts of friendship while ignoring the cracks in the foundation. It is much more difficult to do the maintenance necessary to increase its value over time. But just like neglecting that leak in the ceiling or not fixing broken pipes, the problems only get more costly over time.
As alluring as it is to live in an idealized, past version of our lives, when evaluating long-standing friendships, like any asset, you must determine its value in present-day terms.
There are three things you shared that stood out to me:
“I don’t know what else to do to try to figure out what’s going on with her and how to get back to who we were before.” I appreciate your desire and eagerness to resolve this issue. But it looks like it’s time to stop and take inventory instead. Have you ever done everything in your power to let her know how much she means to you and that this unexplained distance is painful to you? If so, and it has not been acknowledged, the work ahead may not be about getting back to what you were at all. It may be more about accepting the reality of where you are now.
“She gives almost nothing back. …I really needed her and she’s just going to ignore me. While you say you get nothing in return, I would say that his radio silence and lack of reciprocity actually gives you a lot of valuable information. She deprioritized the maintenance of your friendship. We may never know why. There could be a million reasons, many of which might have very little to do with you.
The important thing to know is that your experience with this person and the resulting feelings are real. Just remember this: whoever is ghosting you and making you work so hard to figure them out is probably not your person. Not in this season at least.
“I would hate to give up a 20 year old friendship when I don’t even know the reason.” Although I sympathize with the agony of letting go of a 20-year friendship, it seems like she gave you plenty of reasons to end it. She may even give you all the evidence you need to know that it is, in fact, already over. Freeing up your old friend’s need to come back will free up space for your real-time friends to find you.
While losing a lifelong friend can feel like losing a part of yourself, it could just be your wake up call to stop building your house in other people. It’s time for the evictions! Stop allowing that missing person to live rent-free in your mind. Just because she doesn’t make herself available to give you the conclusion you’re looking for doesn’t mean you can’t give it to yourself. You can energetically send love to your old friend and also take back any parts of you that remained in that house you built together.
