Am I stuck by this country’s puritanical attitudes toward sex and my Catholic upbringing, or is there some legitimacy to my desire to have them sleep in separate rooms?
— Reflections on Dad in the Pacific Northwest
Reflection : Yes, your reaction could be puritanical, but also Catholic. But above all, it’s a dad’s business. It’s about fathers and daughters, and the old, protective dynamic between them that seems to trump logic. I haven’t noticed this particular dynamic between mothers and their daughters (mothers and sons have their own problems).
Yes, you know your daughter and her boyfriend are having sex, but as long as it’s happening somewhere else, you’d rather not think about it, thank you very much. Plus, unless you’ve met this guy before, he’s essentially a stranger to you. Letting a stranger sleep with your daughter in your own home violates your innate bond to protect her. The “legitimacy” of your reaction lies in the fact that you experience it.
Understand, however, that this couple will sleep together. Unless you intend to watch the hallway at night, this will happen in your home. You could compromise by giving the couple two bedrooms – one room could be a place to store their things and lie down (if they want) while they visit. You could then leave the rest to them, without dictating specific conditions. This might help you maintain the cognitive dissonance you seem to need to admit this relationship into your world.
However, this is an opportunity for you to begin the process of letting go. This is a difficult but necessary stage of development.
Dear Amy: I am a single man in my forties. During the pandemic, I started talking with a woman (online). We texted each other a lot and called each other often. We also video chatted. Our relationship kind of fell apart, but recently she reconnected with me. We finally agreed that it was time to meet in person. We agreed on a time and place to meet halfway between our houses.
The morning of our appointment, I received a text from her saying she had to go to the hospital for tests. I was very worried and asked her if she was okay and if she needed anything from me. She said no.
After that, she moved away. A few weeks later, after insisting on seeing me again, she told me that she had cancer, that she was undergoing treatment and that she did not want to see me or have any contact.
It all seems so strange. I don’t know how to deal with this. What do you think?
Concerned: If she is sick and doesn’t want to see you, you should respect her decision. It’s difficult. However, I think it’s also possible that she created a fiction and dragged you in, and is now using that as a reason to cut ties with you.
Generally, it’s wiser to meet in person soon after feeling a connection online. This allows you to check whether both parties really want personal involvement.
Dear Amy: I liked your response to “Torn in California“, who was freaking out about some of the things her child’s teenage friends were doing and wanted to report them to the parents. I was shocked when you said, in all honesty, that a lot of this risk-taking was normal and that “good kids” did risky things. Usually, you’re completely missing the whole thing about people making risky choices.
Survived: I’ll take this backhanded compliment and quietly slip out of the room.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
