Ask Amy: My ex told our daughter I had another kid when I didn’t

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dear Amy: I got married in 1990. My wife and I had a daughter together.

In 1999, I found out that my wife was cheating on me, so I ended the marriage. We had been together for 10 years. Our daughter was 5 when we separated.

Now – all these years later, my daughter called and said she wanted to “meet her brother”.

I was shocked and said, “What?!”

“Yeah,” she said, “Mom told me you had a son with a wife.”

Uh, 100% not true.

I started thinking about it and I’m pretty sure my ex told our daughter to make me look like the wrong person who caused our divorce.

I want to ask my ex why she did this, and tell her she needs to talk to our daughter and tell her the truth, or I will.

My relationship with my daughter was great, then it started to change. It occurs to me that this is probably the reason why.

What should I do? Should I try to solve this problem or should I try to forget about it?

Father: Your ex-wife’s infidelity led to the end of your marriage.

You obviously shielded your young daughter from the truth during her childhood, perhaps to protect and preserve your privacy, as well as her relationship with her mother.

She is an adult now. At this point, the truth behind your breakup took on some bizarre characteristics.

Do NOT tell your ex, “You either tell the truth or I will.

You shouldn’t trust your ex with any version of this story. His lie is deep and hurtful; don’t tempt her to further embellish or put her own spin on those events of long ago.

You should tell your daughter the truth. Don’t rekindle decades-old wounds. Just tell her the truth and answer any questions she may have.

dear Amy: A few years ago, I was suddenly ghosted by a friend.

I asked what was wrong, but received no response. I have a suspicion as to the reason, which is based on a slanderous lie he was told about me.

It still bothers me, both because of the lie and how I was so abruptly abandoned.

Should I just accept it and move on, or should I try to find out for sure why I was ghosted contacting my current ex-boyfriend?

Phantom: You have already asked your ex-friend why she suddenly moved away. Ask no more.

You also tried to accept this and you failed. I vote for the truth.

This person is already ghosting you. Ultimately, it will likely continue no matter what. You have a chance to achieve this, so do it right.

Write down exactly what your suspicions are. You have the right and the duty to correct the record regarding this “libelous lie”.

You could also say that the way she chose to handle it hurt you and continues to bother you. This will help you move forward. And you should move on.

dear Amy: A reader asked why people investigate their DNA and then contact their biological family members – implying that the people doing this don’t know that the family they were raised in is their “real family”.

I am adopted and in my eyes it is my parents who raised me. Their family is my family.

I did DNA tests to find out more about myself.

I contacted people on both biological sides and was welcomed with open arms. This is not the case for many.

This contact gave me the opportunity to correctly fill in the medical forms. I no longer need to write “adopted” in my family medical history.

I now know that I need to make sure to get tested due to my biological father’s history of cancer.

I gained siblings I had never heard of.

My brother (also adopted but with different birth parents) now knows his family medical history, including extensive heart history. Although he met with a different outcome in terms of reuniting with the bio family members, he has no regrets.

Not all adopted children are looking for a relationship with our biological family, but we are looking to fill in the gaps and understand each other better.

Adopted: In terms of filling in those blanks, DNA testing has been a giveaway. Everyone has the right to know their biological history.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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