Ask Amy: My date said we couldn’t be together because her friend is in love with me

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dear Amy: I am a middle-aged man.

My sister, who lives out of state and keeps in touch with friends in her hometown, put me in touch with one of her friends, “Susan”, who needed help with a minor repair at home.

I did it for her and we discussed a future flooring project.

Due to his budget constraints, I suggested that we could do the flooring work together. (She interested me slightly.) I thought maybe I had scared her off, because I had never heard from her again.

I connected with a woman on a dating app who is friends with my sister and Susan.

The new wife, “Jill”, told me on our first date that she and Susan are lifelong friends and that Susan had told her that she had been in love with me since we first met there. two years old.

All this without me knowing it!

Jill said we couldn’t be together because it would betray Susan.

Jill and I really hit it off and agree that our chemistry is amazing. We discussed at length the difficulty of the situation.

Jill told me she was going to see other people. I’m a little disappointed and confused.

Blocked: “Jill’s” interpretation of “girl code” seems to be that if a friend confesses to an unexpressed and unrequited case of love, then Jill should stay away, regardless of her own feelings, impulses or instincts.

Jill may have misrepresented or exaggerated her friend “Susan”‘s feelings for you, but I’ll venture this: that if Jill really wanted to go on a second date with you, she would find a way to justify it – especially if the chemistry between you is “incredible”.

You can certainly reach out to Susan to follow up on her flooring needs – or others – but you have to consider whether you want to invite someone so passive and hard to read.

At the risk of preventing you from connecting with your next great love, my instinct is that none of these women are right for you.

But in this regard, the most important thing to consider is what your own instincts are telling you.

dear Amy: My husband goes to dinner a few times a month with the guys, including “Theo”, a man he has known since primary school.

Theo’s wife “Teri” hosted a birthday party for Theo, where my husband and I met her. She asked if we would like to go out socially.

We met several times, and it was not very pleasant.

Teri took complete control, such as ordering the food for the group and controlling the topics we discussed.

It’s not that we don’t like them, but we have no interest in socializing with them!

I gave every social cue there is: not answering calls, not answering texts, and breaking plans after she wore me out for making them in the first place!

My question is: how can I tell someone that I’m not interested in being friends without hurting their feelings?

I want to go out: “Teri” obviously doesn’t read lines like most people, so you’ll have to be honest (but polite) with her. Because of her overbearing personality, she might need to have the dynamic and your intentions made clear.

You might say, “Obviously our husbands are great friends, but we don’t seem to have great chemistry when we get together as a couple. I will back off and let the men continue their special friendship without me.

She can respond to that statement by doubling down on social pressure, and if so, you’ll have to say, “Thanks, but I just don’t want to get together.”

dear Amy: The question of “To have enough” really resonated with me.

My daughter also suffered painful rejection and bullying from her group of friends.

His mental health suffered. She sought guidance and managed to live her life, but it changed her.

We were friends with the parents of some of the girls involved.

I gently raised it and got a very unsatisfactory response.

I realized that I no longer wanted to be associated with these people and quietly let go of the friendship.

I am cordial when I see them, but we don’t socialize with them.

I hope Had Enough can also move on.

Move on: The ability to let go and move on is essential self-care.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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